“I love you, but I can’t give you my all”

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. Your host, B. [00:00:12] Speaker B: And I'm Chanel. [00:00:13] Speaker A: And listen, welcome to the Kimi Podcast, the greatest podcast in the land. I hope y' all been tuning in, man. I'm back. I ain't been on the show for a little minute, but, you know, you know, saying I'm back, got my partner and crying. I don't know about crying, but, you know, everything been though. [00:00:33] Speaker B: Everything's good. We didn't miss a whole lot. We did good without you. [00:00:37] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, I've been tuning in. [00:00:39] Speaker B: You were missed. [00:00:39] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I've been. I've been tuning in, though. You know what I'm saying? I ain't even gonna lie, man. I've been. Man, listen, on the recent episode, man, I had loved the episode too, as well, man. That was pretty dope, man. But how was your fourth? How was the weekend, everything? [00:00:56] Speaker B: The fourth of July. That's my dad's mom's birthday, so. Because she's passed. Happy birthday, Grandma in heaven. We normally would celebrate her birthday, but this year we kind of did some fireworks. My dad had a catering. I helped him out with that, but just typical cookout fireworks and took it on home. Nothing big and extravagant. [00:01:17] Speaker A: Okay. How's the catering, man? Because I know, I remember last time you had mentioned about the catering. [00:01:26] Speaker B: Okay. My dad owns Austin Catering out of Lydia, South Carolina. My dad's Johnny Austin. He's been doing it for 40 plus years. He's been catering. He has his own kitchen and everything, and he does it all when I have the time. I assist him with that and help him out, but he's the mastermind. He's the master chef behind it, but he does pretty well. [00:01:50] Speaker A: Well, I gotta try y' all out, man. I think I. I believe I do have your number. That's where you get all your good cooking from. [00:01:56] Speaker B: Of course. [00:01:57] Speaker A: Yeah. You get cooking from parks. [00:01:59] Speaker B: Yes. [00:01:59] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. All right, listen, I ain't really did too much, man, the past weekends that I missed some of the episode. I, you know, I was doing some extracurricular activities. I did a 5k muddy dash. And then I saw the canoeing. [00:02:14] Speaker B: That looked like it was fun. [00:02:15] Speaker A: Oh, man, that was. It was peaceful. I got my brother, I invited him out, and it was his first time canoeing, and he absolutely loved it. You know what I'm saying? It was just so. I guess the river is a little low, like 2 foot, maybe 3 foot. Some spots higher than others. And basically it was just smooth sailing, man. And the current of the river, we ain't had to paddle too much. You Know what I'm saying? But we spend like three hours on the river and then that was a five mile kayak. [00:02:51] Speaker B: Oh, no. [00:02:52] Speaker A: Yeah. You talking about. Listen, I'm telling you, it's so peaceful. I mean, they got some bigger coyotes. [00:02:58] Speaker B: It wouldn't have been for me. Me and water. I would have thought it was a snake or alligator or a lizard or a frog or a fish or a spider or something in that water. That would have scared me. [00:03:09] Speaker A: I mean, of course it was in [00:03:11] Speaker B: the water, so I wouldn't have made it. [00:03:13] Speaker A: Yeah, it was. [00:03:14] Speaker B: I mean, and I'm in a little kayak and all that. Nah, I would have been head first in the water with that kayak. [00:03:20] Speaker A: Nah, nah. They did fail. Between my son and my brother, they did fail, though. I ain't even gonna lie. They fell and like I said, the river wasn't too high, so they got right back in the current kind of shocked me because, you know, they were trying to get in back in the kayak and it kept. They. The kayak kept moving. So. You know what I'm saying? That's the only thing about that. But. No, no, no, but, man, listen, let's talk about first. I realized you cut your hair. I realized you cut your hair. I did. I mean, I'm just saying this is my first time seeing in front of me. This is my first time seeing it. And I really do want to. [00:04:04] Speaker B: You say he's gonna improv, not talk about me. [00:04:06] Speaker A: I am improving. I'm improvin'. This is called improv' cause that's the first thing I noticed. Right? [00:04:12] Speaker B: I did. I cut my hair. I had locs for nine years and I decided to cut my hair. I am not depressed. I ain't going through nothing. But yeah, it was time to shave my locs. I love my locs. Still love my locs. I save them. No, I'm not going to reattach them. I save them because I want to remember the journey. [00:04:35] Speaker A: Oh, it's a journey. [00:04:36] Speaker B: I want to remember the journey. So I did save them. [00:04:40] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:41] Speaker B: But I want to get back to filling my natural hair. And for those who are like, oh, you're just going to attach weaves to it. And I am, because I love braids. I love braids. I am not a lace front girly. I may attach a wig to it here and there just because I want the look. But no, I wanted to embrace my natural hair. I love my fro. I'm embracing the fro. It looked funny to me. Even though I have had compliments that. Oh, yeah, it fits you. [00:05:08] Speaker A: Yeah, it does. It does fit. [00:05:10] Speaker B: I'm embracing it because it's been a long time since I've seen my hair in this form, but yeah, there's nothing going on. [00:05:17] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. [00:05:18] Speaker B: Cause a lot of times people see women cut their hair and be like, oh, girl depressed. You know, she turned a new chapter. It has nothing to do with that. It's about healthy hair and maintaining locks takes a lot of work. [00:05:31] Speaker A: I bet, so. [00:05:32] Speaker B: And my locks were no longer at its healthiest state. And I rather have healthy hair than just having long hair. [00:05:39] Speaker A: Okay. [00:05:40] Speaker B: So I decided that it was time to shed them. But the journey's over and I'm embracing it now. [00:05:48] Speaker A: When I asked you that, man, when I. When I. I mean. Cause really, this is my first time noticing that you cut your hair. [00:05:54] Speaker B: Well, you never seen me without locs when I met you. I've always had locs. [00:05:57] Speaker A: You already had locs. And so, you know, I know women always say, like, I am not my hair. You know what I'm saying? And I didn't heard women say that before. Nare I'm not my hair. And so, you know, I just had one. You just explained the reasons of cutting it and everything else. I mean, you look like you at peace. [00:06:19] Speaker B: I am at peace with it. I'm not bald. Although shrinkage is real, it's actually longer than what it appears to be right now. Shrinkage is real. It's long enough for me to cornrow it. [00:06:32] Speaker A: Pull it now. Let me see. You can pull it? [00:06:33] Speaker B: Yeah, I can pull it. Hold on. It ain't going nowhere. I got a little bag. [00:06:38] Speaker A: Ain't nobody can't snatch on it. [00:06:40] Speaker B: I got a little bag. [00:06:41] Speaker A: Hey, your boo can't snatch on it though, unless you put some. [00:06:46] Speaker B: I give me a whole ponytail back here. [00:06:47] Speaker A: Hold on. [00:06:49] Speaker B: I got a whole ponytail back here. Don't do me. It got some limp. [00:06:56] Speaker A: Yeah, it do got left. [00:06:57] Speaker B: Y' all see my hair? [00:06:58] Speaker A: I see. [00:06:58] Speaker B: I got some hill. [00:06:59] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, she got it. You got it. [00:07:02] Speaker B: But yeah, the shrinkage is definitely real. If I flat out it, I got another. Create me a little something something. Yeah, but I. I don't want it straight. I don't want straight hair. I will never, ever put a perm in my hair. I don't want no silk press and all that heat. [00:07:16] Speaker A: You're gonna get that. That sponge. [00:07:17] Speaker B: I do have a sponge. That's the reason why. Understand this. My hair is 4C hair. And yes, I would be able to run my fingers through it. But the sponge kinkies up your hair, right? So therefore, y', all who do the sponge know them naps be real. You done sponge it up. You can't run your finger through that. Be done sponged. So no. So we gonna go ahead and finger sponge. [00:07:43] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, man, last. Okay. [00:07:46] Speaker B: Got me in here messing up a little bit. I thought I'd pick this thing out. [00:07:50] Speaker A: Ain't nobody paying attention to your hair. [00:07:52] Speaker B: That's all right. [00:07:53] Speaker A: Ain't nobody paying attention. Yeah. You want mirror my phone at? [00:07:55] Speaker B: Boy, you must not know that phone camera will work for you. [00:08:01] Speaker A: Hey, yeah, I figured. Yeah, she good. Hey, she's serious too, man. She's serious. [00:08:05] Speaker B: Boy, you better know it. [00:08:08] Speaker A: Hey, but Chanel, man, I'm gonna tell you what. [00:08:11] Speaker B: Multitasking. I'm listening. [00:08:12] Speaker A: Yeah, well, yeah, A few days ago, man, I was at one of my neighbor's house, man, and we got into this debate about. And it got really intense, you know what I'm saying? I ain't even gonna lie. Sometimes when I'm indulging in certain liquids, probably tequila, I started doing all that talking and all this other stuff, man. So we got into this, this debate about love, though. You know what I'm saying? About, like, and love, right? And, and you know, for me, I ain't even gonna lie like a lot of people. I just think a lot of people like a person a whole lot. You know what I'm saying? Like, like, say, okay, like. And let me back it up. Let me back it up so I can explain everything so you can pro. I can get your honest assessment on this thing, man. Because maybe I, I, I might be looking at it different. You know what I'm saying? So how the conversation started was, you know, we was talking about marriage. And my granddaddy, I was telling them what my granddaddy told me. My granddaddy told me that you never give a person 100% of you. You know what I'm saying? Because if in fact, things end up crumbling, then you kind of invested everything into a person, and then you crumble. And now your whole life is just in shambles, and you're taking a while for you to get back to who you are. Cause you lost yourself in that person. And so the conversation came about me being married, saying my vows and everything else. And yet I do believe in everything I said to my wife and vowing what I vowed to her, you know what I'm saying? But I just. When we Talking about giving 100%, I ain't giving myself 100% invested, 100%, all of myself into, you know what I'm saying, marriage. Because I got this wall up and I keep going back to what my granddaddy told me, not fully investing everything into an individual. Now the conversation, like you did, you do love her, right? I'm like, absolutely, I do love her now. And then it was like, how you say you love her but you ain't giving her 100% of you. And so my thing is with that, like, what is love? And so, you know, that's where the question came in. What is love? And I said, love, to me is an action word, you know what I'm saying? It's based off of everything I do. But a lot of times people associate love as far as emotions and stuff like that, right? Like your emotions, how you feel, like you on this cloud nine when you with this person, you know what I'm saying? In fact, you know, emotions changes along with seasons, sometimes based off of circumstances, situations based off of how, you know what I'm saying, what traumatic events that happen into your life and that can change, you know what I'm saying? But to me, love is action word. Being committed to. Being committed to your commitment. Being committed to your commitment. You know what I'm saying? But to me, it ain't got nothing to do with emotions. So what's your take on that? I know that's kind of loaded. [00:11:30] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a lot to unpack. First, I wanna say what your grandfather said. Never give somebody 100% of who you are. I'm gonna tread lightly on that. Because a place that he's coming from, I. I'm not going to say that he's wrong, because it depends on what mindset he had when he said that. But I'm going to say this. You shouldn't pour from an empty cup, okay? Because in order for you to give somebody something, you got to have something for yourself, meaning have some substance about you. If I'm going to. When it comes to marriage, you have to bring. And I know people hate to say bring something to the table, but. But you have to have something about yourself in order to pour into the next person. And that person has to have something to pour back into you. So it's not necessarily giving 100% of yourself, but you have to offer up all of that you have. And they pour into you, you pour into them. Neither one of you will ever be empty. [00:12:36] Speaker A: Well, well, let me. Let me put a pen right here, right quick, like. So say, for instance, a person did offer up all that they can give, you know what I'm saying? And the. Your spouse or significant other they expecting, I'm gonna just throw out significant other man. Because some people in relationships, you know what I'm saying, that's not married. A lot of them seem to think that marriage and relationship the same. No, it's not the same man. And so I'm gonna kind of just slide that significant other off, off the table. Just talking about marriage, you know what I'm saying? Specifically like all that I gave you, you know what I'm saying? Maybe that's the only thing I can, a person can offer, you see what I'm saying? But it's the expectation from the individual, from the spouse that looking at you can give me a little more, you know what I'm saying? You can try a little more. [00:13:33] Speaker B: But that's where it goes back to say, do you have the capacity to hold what I have to give? If I'm. [00:13:40] Speaker A: I'm going just say that's pretty deep right there. [00:13:42] Speaker B: I'mma just say this. You, you, you could pick somebody to be your spouse, but do they have the capacity to hold who you are? Because we. The Bible even says not being unequally yoked, not being with somebody who's not on the same playing field with you. And if you're with somebody who doesn't have the capacity to hold what you have, they don't have the capacity to fill you up. Nor do you have the capacity to fill them. You have the capacity to overflow them. [00:14:11] Speaker A: Right? Right. [00:14:12] Speaker B: But when you're in need, what they gonna do with you? [00:14:16] Speaker A: And a lot of times I'm gonna [00:14:17] Speaker B: go back to what your grandfather said. You should never give them all of you, not to just anybody, but when it comes to your spouse, you are giving them all of you. And they'll give you all of them because you became one. So you are gonna give your all. Because how can you not if you won? [00:14:35] Speaker A: I tell you what, I guess it look a little different based off of. It could be based off a whole lot of stuff. But like most men is providers. And back in those times, you know what I'm saying, Providing was me giving my all. [00:14:58] Speaker B: And that's why I said I don't really want to touch too much on what he said because I'm not gonna say he's wrong. It depends on the mindset and the time he grew up in and the reason why he feel the way he feel. [00:15:08] Speaker A: Right, right. And. [00:15:09] Speaker B: And what he meant by that. Does he mean Financially, does he mean. Does he mean financially? Does he mean, you know, of his person? Does he mean, you know what he mean by that? You know what I'm saying? It could mean a lot of different things because sometimes when our grandparents, when our parents are talking to us, they can really mean just one particular thing, and we take it as something that we apply to every aspect of our lives. And that's not the way they meant it. That's just the way we interpret it. So I really don't know where he went there, but I do know when it comes to a marriage, you are supposed to give your all, you're supposed to surrender all. Just like God says, love your wife as I love the church, you know what I'm saying? [00:15:53] Speaker A: So to me, that is a level of sacrifice. Like, he has sacrifices all, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but, you know, like, when it come to you yourself, like, I just don't really believe a person should give every. All, every ounce of them. [00:16:14] Speaker B: But that's. When you speak of the flesh, you're speaking of material things. You're talking. And I get that. [00:16:20] Speaker A: I'm talking about, like, everything. Like, you know, where, you know, you can lose yourself. You ever seen somebody have a nervous breakdown? [00:16:29] Speaker B: But. [00:16:30] Speaker A: But that's what I'm saying, that that could be dangerous. [00:16:33] Speaker B: That's. But that's exactly what I mean by that. Okay. So when I say I give myself, I don't mean I surrender all of my will and everything. Like, I, You're. I'm under your control. That don't mean that I don't have things of my own that I do. For instance, we do podcasts. This is something that I personally do for myself. [00:16:52] Speaker A: So it's extension. [00:16:53] Speaker B: If I. Yeah, if I had a husband right now, I don't feel like me doing podcasts is something that I'm taking away from my household or I'm taking away from my husband. This is something that I do personally to appease what I want for me. [00:17:05] Speaker A: Okay. [00:17:06] Speaker B: You get what I'm saying? This is what keeps me sane. This is what keeps me socially involved in the things that I like to do. I'm a writer. I still like writing my poetry and stuff. When you surrender all of who you are, that don't mean you take away the things that you like to do. Some people take that literally, that when I surrender my all, I surrender my life. Under your control, I guess. A dictatorship. That's not what it means. So you got to decipher what that means when it comes to Loving somebody and you do that, it's. Again, people. I'm not going to say people confuse love. And like, people confuse infatuation and love. [00:17:45] Speaker A: Okay, Gotta go a little deeper on that one for me. [00:17:49] Speaker B: People get so caught up in the obsession of what feels good to. I. I love the way this lotion feels on my skin, you know what I'm saying, right? It feels good. I'm not in love with it. You know what I'm saying? People get infatuated with material things. [00:18:16] Speaker A: So, Chanel, like, this is. And this might be a little tough, though, you know what I'm saying? You know, growing up, when I was growing up, you ever had a high school sweetheart? Mm, had a high school sweetheart. And man, I thought I loved that girl so much, man. Like, you know what I'm saying? It was like I did, like, I almost like, worshiped the ground she walk on, you know? But I remember my grandma said. I said, grandma, I said, I'm gonna marry this woman. She said, that ain't your wife. That just crushed me, man. And I ain't, during that time, like, it felt real, right? That love, whatever that was, really was puppy love. But whatever, you know what I'm saying, in that moment, it felt so real, you know? And then I got into, you know, got in a relationship, like real life, you know what I'm saying, outside of high school, then realize it's different levels to it, you know what I'm saying? And I ain't going to say I wasn't in love. It's what I thought what love was, right? And so I'm saying. And I'm saying this because I don't think a lot of people know when you talk about infatuation and having been infatuation of a person and loving a person, you know, for some people, that's the same to them. Like, they wouldn't know how to distinguish [00:19:44] Speaker B: the two because they never maybe felt anything different from infatuation, right? [00:19:50] Speaker A: So it would be hard to, you know, to really get somebody to see, you know what I'm saying? Both of them, both of those frustration and love is, is. Is totally different, you know what I'm saying? And truthfully, just going back to what, you know, how I feel about, you know, like, love, to me, if you do the. If, If. If you kind of go below the surface of it, just really being committed to, I mean, something. [00:20:22] Speaker B: In the same token, can you imagine love is commitment? Nobody ever told you. I'm trying to think of a different word if. Nobody ever put a title on anger. Okay, different between anger and sadness. If nobody ever told you the difference between being angry and sad when you felt those emotions, would you know the difference now? We both know you feel both of them. [00:20:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:20:50] Speaker B: But would you truly know the difference between your anger and your sadness? There are a lot of people who've actually experienced love, but because they have never actually had anybody explain the difference in the two, they don't know. I mean, because some people have actually experienced love for the first time, maybe from a grandmother or maybe from a best friend or a platonic relationship, but not realize that that was actually love because nobody put a title on it for them. [00:21:17] Speaker A: But how you translate that into like a. Into like a real. Into a relationship, though, you know what I'm saying? Like, it seemed like it would be different, like love for your kids. Like you. Like you. You can answer this, man. The same love that you have for your kids and you willing to die for your kids. There's no way you probably feeling that in a relationship. [00:21:38] Speaker B: But I have felt that in a relationship. I have felt that in relationship. But what I'm saying is, the only reason why I know what it is is because I've had parents who put a label on it, and I know that to be love. [00:21:49] Speaker A: Okay. [00:21:50] Speaker B: You know what I'm saying? But can you imagine people who've actually experienced that and never had anybody put a label on it and say, okay, well, what I thought was abuse was actually the way they loved me? Well, we talked about that one time in podcast before that. You know, some people translate what they went through, their trauma to be love, because that's the only way they've ever experienced. So they thought that, okay, this is how they love me. This is their love language. But it was actually abuse that was actually their trauma. Yeah, everybody don't experience it the same way. You don't know the difference if you've never experienced anything different. [00:22:21] Speaker A: Right, right. You right. I ain't even gonna fake though. You. You definitely right. It's one thing. It's something that you said earlier, before I, you know, I move on from this man about. We was talking about love and not giving a person 100% of yourself, you know what I'm saying? It could be a little dangerous. Cause it could turn into infatuation, obsession, all those things. But then one of the things I realized about myself, though, why it's so hard for me to do that. While you was talking, I was realizing, I was thinking, I was like, damn, why it's so hard for me to do that. I just think the reason why it's so hard for me to give a person like 100% of me is because of people that kind of let me down in the past, you know what I'm saying? And I always kind of, you know, and I felt what that hurt felt like at one point in time, you know what I'm saying? When I did gave somebody that part of me and I got let down. So now I ain't even gonna fake, though. Like, that wall was all the way up though, that wall, like, you know, now with my wife now, I did lower the wall where she kinda. She could step over it, you know what I'm saying? But that wall's still there, though, you know what I mean? I ain't even gonna sit here and fake. I'm just being transparent about it. You know what? I. Any moment I. I feel like, you know, she. She had my best interest. But at any moment, hey, that can. That can change that just in my mind, though, and it may not ever. So then it might not ever change. [00:23:56] Speaker B: You saying that the wall is there? [00:23:58] Speaker A: Yeah, she could step over. [00:23:59] Speaker B: It's like the least little thing she do. Okay. That wall about an inch higher and higher and higher and higher. [00:24:04] Speaker A: Depending on jump. [00:24:05] Speaker B: Turn into a jump. [00:24:06] Speaker A: Yeah, depending on what? Depend on what it. What it is, though, you know what I'm saying? Depending on, you know, basically what it is. I ain't even gonna fake like that wall end up, you know, it'll creep back up. And that's something that. Something personally, I recognize that. Something personally I have to work on, you know, I ain't ignorant to the fact, you know what I'm saying. It just. Man, your body, your mind, it just don't let stuff go, man. And that was one of the hardest things to let certain things go. And it's going back to what you said about, you know, what I brought about my granddaddy. Like, maybe it's a reason why he said that. Right? You know what I'm saying? Certain things he experienced too, as well. And it goes back to, why do we have that wall up? And personally, man, our body, our mind, it don't never. It always store things away. It always remembers certain things. [00:25:05] Speaker B: I've heard this before, and I've actually experienced that. Where your body remembers trauma. If you got in a car accident on July 12, 1990, every year on July 12, you may have an ache or something. Your body remembers trauma. I know for myself, I lost my mom July 22, and even sometimes, and it's been 28 years. Sometimes even when I don't even realize it's the 22nd, my body remembers that trauma because I went through a very detrimental time that my body remembers the trauma of me going through it, that I automatically feel a certain type of way. And then it hits me like, the day. The 22nd. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, your body remembers stuff like that. But saying that to say when, when you have walls up and stuff like that, even when you feel like you're in a situation where, hey, I need to come down on this, or you get close to a situation that is the reason why you have this wall up, your body remembers, and you automatically tense up and say, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can let down or, or give in to this, because I remember the last time. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:09] Speaker B: You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, it's a, It's a decision you have to make. You can definitely give 100% of yourself to your spouse. You just have to realize me giving of myself is not giving every aspect of who I am. It's giving the person I am. If, if, if I'm wording it right, you're giving. You know what I'm saying? That don't mean that every area of your life has to be surrendered. It's just having a willingness to say that I'm willing to commit everything about me. I'm willing to commit everything about me. I'm willing to sit down and compromise everything about me. I'm willing to negotiate everything about me. [00:26:50] Speaker A: Yeah, but, but an individual can do all the things and, and, and, and still it just turned out to be performance. [00:27:00] Speaker B: Right. [00:27:00] Speaker A: And not authentic. You know what I'm saying? And you know, your spouse would know the difference when you just kind of performing and you know what I'm saying, getting on through. You know what I mean? [00:27:12] Speaker B: But a good spouse will also see that not necessarily performance, but see the effort in you trying. [00:27:18] Speaker A: When you say a good spouse, can you define what is a good spouse? Because that's a word that people would say based off of what. What they think a good spouse is. [00:27:31] Speaker B: They say a good spouse is a person that shows up and tries, that recognizes effort and meets you in the middle. [00:27:39] Speaker A: But if, if they don't do that, then that make them a bad spouse or what that make them. [00:27:44] Speaker B: I think I, I'm not gonna say a bad guy. I am gonna say, that does make you a bad spouse, because don't sign up for partnership if you're not gonna be a partner. That word alone says enough partnership. So you can't be a part in a partnership and then make the other person be a standalone. [00:28:00] Speaker A: People don't sign up to be parents and. And don't have no idea about being parents, but they learn along the way. [00:28:09] Speaker B: I take that. Yeah, you do sign up. You lay down and decide to hump. You signed up to be a parent. [00:28:14] Speaker A: You know, that wasn't the end goal. [00:28:16] Speaker B: That was the end goal. I mean, what you thought was going to happen. [00:28:20] Speaker A: You ain't thought she was gonna miss her period, but you knew it was a possibility. You like, hey, you take that plan [00:28:26] Speaker B: B, but did your body. Plan B. [00:28:29] Speaker A: Absolutely. Better body, Plan B. [00:28:31] Speaker B: Well, but you can't make her take it. [00:28:33] Speaker A: No, no, you can't make her take it. [00:28:34] Speaker B: Listen, we gonna say this one time for the men in the back. If you got down and you bought that plan B and she didn't take it, guess what? You can't make her do that. That's her body. Once you left her body, literally when you pulled out, that became her decision. So you should have thought about your decision before you put it in. You put it in. The baby came. [00:28:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:59] Speaker B: You planned to be a parent. [00:29:01] Speaker A: You talking. You planned to be a parent? I guess. Yeah. [00:29:04] Speaker B: Plan A worked. [00:29:07] Speaker A: I guess when you ain't thinking all the way through, you still. [00:29:10] Speaker B: You thought it all the way through. [00:29:12] Speaker A: Yeah, it's not about. You thought about what it was going to happen after you bust that nigga. [00:29:16] Speaker B: You thought about how it was gonna feel. [00:29:18] Speaker A: You start right after the baby. [00:29:19] Speaker B: Thought about how it was gonna feel for her to push. [00:29:22] Speaker A: Yeah, but going back, you, like, clarifying like a bad spouse, you know, Chanel, that kind of tough, though, man, because, you know, like, it's not gonna be easy. That's tough. I mean, but listen, that's real tough. So you need to take that back. [00:29:37] Speaker B: I'm not gonna take it back, because I'm not saying that every day is gonna be perfect, because there is no perfect relationship. That. But there can be perfect effort. If you don't get it right today, you can show up tomorrow and say, listen, baby, I was wrong. I was wrong. But I want to give you effort today. I ain't got it in me today, but I'm a try tomorrow. Like I said, you saying this for people. Somebody who signs up for partnership say, listen, I had a bad game day, but I'm going to show up to the game tomorrow. [00:30:11] Speaker A: You talking from the perspective of a person who went through It I'm talking [00:30:17] Speaker B: to that altar, or you went to that courthouse and said, I want to be married and I'm in a partnership with you. You signed up to be in a partnership with someone. In order to be a good spouse, you have to sign up for the partnership and agree to be the partner. And be the partner, give perfect effort. And even if you can't be a perfect person every day, give them effort. Even if you can't give them right now effort. Effort goes a long way. I ain't say get it right. Effort goes a long way. All that means you're trying. Just try. Try to understand, try to listen. Try not to be argumentative. Try to listen without rebuttal. [00:31:08] Speaker A: When you talking, you talking to just the man. [00:31:10] Speaker B: No, I'm talking to both sides. I said partnership. Not one time did I say male partnership. [00:31:15] Speaker A: But it sound like you redirecting it. [00:31:19] Speaker B: No, I'm talking to the camera because I need for everybody to understand. I said partnership. [00:31:23] Speaker A: Yeah, she did. [00:31:23] Speaker B: Now here, dogs will holler. And if you a dog and you hollered, then I was talking to you. [00:31:30] Speaker A: She said, chanel, you saying that from. [00:31:33] Speaker B: From you notice it's a dog, Holly, [00:31:35] Speaker A: from an elderly person. [00:31:37] Speaker B: It's a. He called me elderly. [00:31:39] Speaker A: Y' all heard that elderly person that giving advice. But there's young. [00:31:43] Speaker B: Y' all tell Brandon said [00:31:46] Speaker A: everybody. Hey, listen. Hey, hey, listen. I got a story. I've been, I've been. I've been. I've been there before. Tell that man to get perfect effort. [00:31:54] Speaker B: Give some effort. [00:31:55] Speaker A: I'm saying. Yeah, like at some point in time when you, when you recognize. But first of all, I'm just before anybody get married, I just think that since we on this subject about marriage for before any individual get married, man, I just really think that they should be intentional single, learn themselves, do the work. You know what I'm saying? First, you know, I mean, concerning yourself, like, do the work concerning yourself first and work on yourself first. Get all the other stuff out of the way, man. And. And a lot of times, a lot of people don't be intentional single and get to know themselves. Get to know they do's and don'ts the things that they, you know, that they ain't going to tolerate. You know, that right there takes you being intentional single and being by yourself and learning some things about yourself and know things that you ain't really willing to tolerate or, you know, knowing your deal breakers, knowing your deal breakers and stuff like that. That's from being intentional single. And then by the Time you do date, right? Like, you know what I'm saying. Some people might look at it being an asshole or whatever, but you know your worth, you know what you willing to give and willing to take. And you know what I'm saying to me, make dating a lot easier. And you can see all the signs a lot earlier in the individual because you didn't did the work concerning yourself. [00:33:26] Speaker B: And I would even add this something that's gonna be real difficult. Look in the mirror. I mean, for real. Look in the mirror. Do you a checklist? Will you marry you? Would you honestly marry you? Ask yourself that. And the things that you know you need to correct if you were going to marry you correct those things before you expect somebody else to marry you. Because I know that I've been married and divorced. And if I had to deal with the things that my husband had to deal with, I wouldn't have married me because I already know that I'm a whole handful and a half and I can be very difficult and I wouldn't have put up with some of that. I wouldn't have put up with some of that. [00:34:10] Speaker A: That's a crazy. You said walk in when you say, I know I could be very difficult. [00:34:14] Speaker B: Sit down and don't give us no commentary. Not have no mic. Oh, Lord. And that's gonna be in a Kimy Pot. Please, somebody cut. Cut the camera. [00:34:22] Speaker A: We done and we love. [00:34:24] Speaker B: Thank you for tuning in, cuz. I ain't got time today. I ain't got time. Oh, man, that man get on this microphone today. [00:34:32] Speaker A: Hey, yo, that just funny. [00:34:34] Speaker B: No, it's not funny. It's not funny. [00:34:36] Speaker A: As soon as he walk in, it is not funny. [00:34:38] Speaker B: I am not difficult when it come to you. [00:34:41] Speaker C: What was your statement? [00:34:43] Speaker B: There's nothing to talk about. [00:34:44] Speaker C: What was your statement? [00:34:45] Speaker B: Nothing. [00:34:47] Speaker A: Hey, she was saying. She was just. [00:34:49] Speaker B: You see how they like the double cd? [00:34:50] Speaker A: She basically was saying when she was married, you know, she. She look at some of the things that she. The question was, will you marry yourself? First of all, will you marry yourself? [00:35:01] Speaker B: Brandon got adhd. He don't remember nothing I said. So I repeat myself. So he get it right. Okay, I said that. What I wanted to add to what he was saying, that before you get married, you need to look in the mirror, metaphorically look in the mirror, make you a checklist and ask yourself, would you marry yourself? Make your checklist. And until you can answer those questions and correct those things about would you marry yourself? You shouldn't get married. [00:35:28] Speaker A: She basically said she wouldn't Marry herself. [00:35:30] Speaker B: And I said. Because I know when I got married. I said, when I got married, I knew I was a difficult person. I know. I know that man had a lot to put up with. That's not why I got divorced. [00:35:42] Speaker A: No, that part. [00:35:42] Speaker B: But I knew I was a difficult person. So. Yeah. [00:35:46] Speaker C: So basically, you shouldn't have done none of that stuff. [00:35:49] Speaker B: That's besides the point. Because some of the stuff he did was wild. [00:35:53] Speaker C: And then right now. [00:35:54] Speaker B: Because some of the things that he did was why I was. [00:35:56] Speaker C: Would you marry you today? [00:35:58] Speaker B: Would I marry me today? [00:35:59] Speaker C: Would you propose to you today? [00:36:00] Speaker B: Yes, today. But back then, baby. [00:36:06] Speaker A: And will you have to deal with your mouth? [00:36:08] Speaker B: My mind ain't that bad. I be joking with y'. All. My mouth ain't that bad. [00:36:11] Speaker C: If you don't bother me, the lies you tell. [00:36:14] Speaker B: I ain't lying. I said, if you don't bother me, if you don't provoke. Even the Bible say. [00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah, talking about don't provoke your kid. I mean, kids, kids. Don't provoke your parents, don't provoke your kids. [00:36:25] Speaker B: It say your neighbor too. [00:36:27] Speaker A: It did. [00:36:27] Speaker C: Your neighbor. She don't know. [00:36:29] Speaker B: Let me go look it up. Let me go look it up. I hope Reverend saying, don't see this. I need to go look that Scripture. [00:36:35] Speaker A: Oh, man. [00:36:36] Speaker B: But listen, my mouth is not that bad. Honestly, it's not that bad. But I do feel like sometimes you can agitate a person until you bring out the worst in them. And I am one of those people that when you bother me, I give you fair warning. Today ain't today. I don't want to talk about this no more. Because I do feel like this. I'm not there with y'. [00:36:59] Speaker C: All. [00:37:00] Speaker B: If we're going to have a conversation and I give you an opportunity to say what you're going to say, give me my opportunity to speak too. That does agitate me. When I let you talk then, now I ain't want to hear it. [00:37:09] Speaker A: I ain't gonna talk about y' all [00:37:10] Speaker B: being notorious for that. I ain't wanna talk about it no more. [00:37:12] Speaker C: Monkey. [00:37:12] Speaker B: You wanna talk about it? When it was your turn to speak, you can't walk away from me when it's my turn. That agitates every woman. If we're gonna have a conversation and you're ready to talk, when you wanna express yourself, be ready to listen, right? That agitates a lot of women. So a lot of times, that's what causes relationships to fail, is because we as women wanna be heard. And especially if we're willing to listen to your side. [00:37:37] Speaker C: We hear you all the time. [00:37:39] Speaker B: You feel me? God. Throw stuff. [00:37:44] Speaker C: Hear you all the time. Y' all talk all the time. As soon as you come home, we hear you. Do you know what? Guess what? Alicia at work today, I told her to do this, and she ain't want to do that. [00:37:55] Speaker B: I told you about work. [00:37:56] Speaker C: Now we done heard that all the way through, and I gotta listen. I don't have no choice. She shouldn't have done that to you. So I had to be listening to be able to help you out. [00:38:04] Speaker B: You know I'm that bad. [00:38:05] Speaker C: I know you is that bad. [00:38:07] Speaker A: When you on your rant. Oh, when you on that rant? I ain't even gonna lie. [00:38:11] Speaker B: We gonna have some transparency, for real, because it's been my friend for eight years. When we talk, who do most of ranting? [00:38:20] Speaker A: Me. [00:38:20] Speaker B: And who do most of listening? [00:38:23] Speaker A: You. But you got. Yeah, you. But I don't be needing no feedback you still don't like. [00:38:28] Speaker B: But please tell them that I'm one of those friends that you could call and I let you vent. I don't always give you rebuttal. Sometimes I be the listening ear. I be the sounding board. I let you have your moment. [00:38:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Mo. Most majority of the time. Yeah. [00:38:41] Speaker B: And. And I'm the one that always be telling you. So you ready to hear the real, or you just want to talk? [00:38:46] Speaker A: Yeah, she do ask me that. I ain't going to lie. [00:38:48] Speaker B: Because sometimes I realize as a friend, sometimes you just need to talk. Yeah, you talking about me? [00:38:57] Speaker C: Always. [00:38:57] Speaker B: Them light skins. [00:39:00] Speaker A: Ah, that girl funny, dog. Hey, yo. Yeah, boy. Hey, See, that's the part that I'm talking about right there. You really know how to say certain stuff to get under people's skin. [00:39:20] Speaker C: We literally was not saying nothing about her. Like, we knew. [00:39:22] Speaker A: I know y' all wasn't. She can't have it. [00:39:25] Speaker C: We had nothing. It had nothing to do with you. [00:39:27] Speaker A: She gave it. She really can't. [00:39:30] Speaker C: Nothing at all. [00:39:30] Speaker B: I apologize. [00:39:32] Speaker C: Thank you. I appreciate that. [00:39:33] Speaker A: Hey, that took every ounce of her to say that. No, I did apologize. Damn, man. You know, let me see. We got. I guess we could wrap it up, though, man. What do you want to add? Cause you took over for the last 20 minutes. Yeah, go ahead. And what you gonna add? [00:39:48] Speaker B: Okay, let me get serious. This is very raw and uncut, but in all seriousness, if you have a partner or intend to be a partner, you have to understand the true meaning behind partnership, the commitment behind partnership, and giving real effort. [00:40:12] Speaker A: That's good. [00:40:13] Speaker B: All right. Till next time. [00:40:16] Speaker C: Peace. [00:40:16] Speaker B: All right. Hey, buddy.