Toxic or Tender? The Truth About Who We Choose”

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:14] Speaker B: Yeah. What it do, man? Welcome to the Kimi podcast. I'm your host, B. And today we don't have my co. Our co host today with me, but hey, listen, we got a guest. She more like a friend to me, and you know what I'm saying? She very smart, man. Me and her always kind of go at it all the time, and I always lose every time because she always right mostly. Listen, this is my guest, Chanel. You wanna say something? Chanel? [00:00:47] Speaker A: Hello. Thank you for having me. Don't know what else to say. That's about it. [00:00:55] Speaker B: I did put you on the spot right there, man. Listen, man, I want to do something a little different today. I ain't even gonna figure. I want to do something a little different today. On Kimi podcast, we always talk about, man, things. Things that men kind of, you know, be challenged with all the time and. And. And motivating men's. And so today is one of the first time we gonna probably dive into relationships stuff, you know what I'm saying? And reason why I want to kind of dive into that. Because of course, everybody, you know, you look at every everybody podcast, they're kind of talking about, you know, certain things, you know, and, you know, and it's something that caught my eye when I was. I was watching some stuff on social media, on Instagram about Ari Lennox. And. And I really. You said, you got. You play the clip and we're gonna go from there. We go. [00:01:50] Speaker A: Okay. [00:02:02] Speaker C: Because when I look back on all of these energies, it's a shame. I gave them so much time and there were sweet energies that I didn't. And so now I see those sweet energies getting married and starting families. I'm just like, dang, that probably could have been me if I recognized the success, security in those individuals at the time. And like, now I'm like, yeah, I'm definitely feeling that now. I'm aware that there's something going on, there's something wrong. [00:02:29] Speaker A: What do you think it is that attracts you to, like, toxic energy? [00:02:34] Speaker C: I think they just seem really exciting at first. The chemistry is incredible. And they don't even always be fine. It's not even that, like, they're sexy or something. I mean, well, they're sexy, but they don't be the finest things I've ever seen. It's just an energy. It's sometimes it's convenience. What we talk about a lot of those. The sweeter energies that I felt like weren't for me. I felt I could see myself falling asleep a little bit on the phone. So I don't know if that's like, if boring is good or not. Like, I'm trying to figure out what that means. [00:03:07] Speaker A: Like, it's the thrill. Yeah. It's the thrill of it. [00:03:10] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:11] Speaker A: What's your sign? [00:03:12] Speaker C: Aries. [00:03:12] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Flowers. What's yours? [00:03:14] Speaker C: I'm Aaliyah. [00:03:14] Speaker A: Oh. We the same person? [00:03:16] Speaker C: Oh, my God. [00:03:19] Speaker B: They always go back to them horoscopes, man. I don't know. Hey, but. But listen, Arlenis, she said a whole lot, you know what I'm saying, about, you know, I guess at this stage in her life that she kind of look at, you know, maybe she should have gave, you know, the sweeter guys. I don't like the fact that she used sweeter guys. [00:03:38] Speaker D: Sweet as wild. [00:03:39] Speaker B: Yeah, they were saying she used the word sweet, man. [00:03:44] Speaker A: Well, I don't think she necessarily meant sweet sweet. I think she was more trying to portray the fact that guys who are nicer are boring. Guys who are what they quote, unquote, say are toxic, tends to have more excitement. You're. You're more active than that guy who's sweet or boring. And what that sweet word comes from is just saying he has a pleasant personality. He's. He's not aggressive. Yes. So, I mean, that's just her word and saying sweet. But I think she was more so. Like, she said she don't want to call it boring falling asleep on the phone with him not because you sleepy, but because the conversation is just that dull. [00:04:17] Speaker D: But is it really? You know, it takes two people to carry a conversation. [00:04:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:22] Speaker A: Right. [00:04:22] Speaker D: So whether if you're saying the guy is sweet or if he's toxic. So what is a toxic guy? Stick? Because I don't. I don't know that. So what is a toxic guy saying in his conversation that makes it more, I would say, exciting than, you know, I'mma beat you up. You know what I'm saying? I'm. I'm, you know, I'm going to treat you like dirt. Like, I'm trying to figure out, like, what does that mean in a boring conversation? If a person's a bad conversationalist, they just. A bad conversationalist. [00:04:48] Speaker A: Well, I wouldn't necessarily say it's a boring conversation, but it depends on what you are trying to engage in. So toxicity. First of all, we already know that a toxic behavior is not being available emotionally, not having any ambition, you know, just being driven by past hurt or whatever. And sometimes like that saying says misery loves company. When you already a toxic person, those characteristics seem to be fun to you. I mean, let's be real about it. When you talk about dealing with a toxic person or a right now gratification, it's sexual. It's the aggression in a sexual relationship. It's the fact that you showing up to do the not goal driven things like okay, we partying, we going to the club, we doing all the crazy things that seems to be fun. Now when you talk about a boring person, quote unquote boring person, they're too focused on their future, they're too focused on their career to actually engage in all the fun things that she may want to do. And that's what it sounds like with her, that at that time in her life she was trying to engage in things that were right now microwave gratifications. [00:05:51] Speaker B: Right. Which lead to reason why. You know, the way I feel about the whole situation is personally I like I grew up and they always say women, females was more mature than men. The old I get, I think that's a lie. Like now especially seeing stuff, you know, for what it is. Women just don't know what they want. And that just, that just. And men get the flex bomb to that. Men get call out a lot more because we, you know what I'm saying? You know, we are the men, we are the leaders. But truthfully, you know, women really don't know what they want. [00:06:35] Speaker A: I think people don't know what they want when it comes to girls. Girls mature faster than boys. It was more. So talking about puberty, we, we go through puberty faster. We're supposedly, you know what I'm saying, that happens faster for us. We go through puberty sometimes as young as 8, 9 years old. So your body matures faster. Not necessarily your mentality because everybody depends on what your upbringing is, your personality. Nobody develops on a certain level just because you're male or female. Now as far as us not knowing what we want, first of all, it's already out of line. We have more women stepping into male roles. We're seeing more and more where women are being raised by women who had to take care of everything. So therefore, because of our independence, when we find a man, we want what we want right now versus what we look, we look forward to in the future. Like she's 34 years old. Yeah. Now she's thinking about getting married and settling down and having children. When she was in her 20s, she was talking about getting bent over. She was talking about having fun in the club. She was talking about, okay, where are we going this weekend? We're going to the club, we're going to Bahamas, wherever we're going. But this man who's being driven by his future, he ain't got time for all of that. So therefore, you don't want a sweet man. You want somebody who gonna satisfy the needs you have today. [00:07:48] Speaker B: Well, that's. I. Well, the way I kinda look at it too as well is I don't think women have. And this don't sound kind of bad, but I just honestly don't think women could be in that position. Like how men is get to do whatever they want and then when they get old. Because the way I kinda look at it is a woman's thoughts kind of drop a little low as they kinda get up in age. And then the choices of men, they want, they want, they already taken. So it's like, you know, of course you didn't kind of did whatever and you having fun and everything else and you get bent over. But then now when you get older and like, okay, now I want to settle down and all them men is already with someone. [00:08:33] Speaker A: Well, I'm gonna tell you this. In my opinion, every man who wants a wife, he wants a woman who's modest. He wants a woman who he can say that I had the best of her, not everybody had a turn on her, but women want that too. But the thing is, when it comes to marriage, we wait for the position to get chosen by a man. Because even Bible says when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. You put yourself in position to be chosen by the man of your dreams, but we don't make that choice. Some women decide to go headstrong and say I'm a proposed to him. But most women, we wait to be chosen. But in the process of us waiting, we still wanna have fun, just like y' all did. It don't always mean that when we have fun, we gotta have sex with someone. But just because hypothetically, if I was a woman, that I had a whole lot of male friends or I go on a lot of dates, you will look at me as an unmodest woman, an immodest woman, because you think that I'm lame with everybody you see me with. But why can't I have my fun too? [00:09:29] Speaker B: You don't think that's fair, the labor that people put on women, it's not fair. [00:09:34] Speaker A: It's not fair because any woman that has a body count over 10 is classified as a whole. Every is. That's just what it is. [00:09:41] Speaker D: By who though? [00:09:43] Speaker A: Stereotype. By stereotype. [00:09:45] Speaker D: Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? Because I don't know anybody in this day and age, the world we live in now. First off, I don't want to know your body count. I don't care about your. Because if any number other than one is going to be too much. See, and the only reason I say that is one is me, outside of that, ain't been nobody before me. Like, I need my mind to believe that. But for women, I think society has put that on them in the past. [00:10:16] Speaker A: Right. [00:10:16] Speaker D: But in, in the world we live in now today, where women are talking about all kinds of My booty hole brown and all kind of other stuff. [00:10:25] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:26] Speaker D: You know, they're as and they're not. Not only are women over sexualized, but they're hypersexualized not by society, but by themselves. These are the things that they post on social media. No man posted it. [00:10:39] Speaker B: You did, right? [00:10:41] Speaker D: These are the things that they are rapping about. Ain't no man rapping about it. You are. Men used to rap about you like that. So yeah, I could understand that being the thing. But now that now that women are so open sexually as far as. And then wanting to be seen in that light. Because if you didn't want to be seen in that light, why'd you post that photo? [00:10:59] Speaker A: Right. [00:10:59] Speaker D: Why'd you post that video? [00:11:00] Speaker B: Right. [00:11:01] Speaker D: You know what I'm saying? Like, why is this what you're doing? Why are you posting booty shaking videos if you don't want people to like your, to like your, to like your video or to like your post? Because you're trying to make money. So you're, you're trying to capitalize, which is the only issue I have with it. You're trying to capitalize monetarily on your sexuality while still trying to preserve it in some form of fashion away when you're the one putting it out there like that. So in a sense, in a sense, what are you. I don't think that men see women as hoes, particularly if you have a particular number. Because I think anybody can have a number to say if a person is over this, that's just crazy. [00:11:40] Speaker A: Right? [00:11:41] Speaker D: And that's for the. Each individual. [00:11:43] Speaker B: Right. [00:11:43] Speaker D: Individual people. But society, I don't think society cares who you have, how many you have. It's just the individual person that you're dealing with that makes that determination. So I think the whole label has been placed more on those that put themselves out there in that manner tonight if you post. I think there was a girl On a podcast she did. Like she was. Her goal was to have sex with 100 men in 48 hours or something like that. That's hoish behavior, right? But that's something that she put on herself. That ain't nothing nobody did to her, you know what I'm saying? But it was free. [00:12:19] Speaker A: So I. I'm about to say prostitution getting paid. [00:12:21] Speaker D: Prostitution getting paid. I think she was trying to do a record or something like that. But I'm just saying, like, these are the things that's put out there by women. And then now you want to say, well, if I sleep with this many people and I'm a hoe. Well, no, your behavior says you're a hoe. Not necessarily the fact that you have sex with people. Because the only reason we know you have sex with more than 10 people is what you told us. [00:12:41] Speaker B: Right? Well, you know, I. So I was talking to one of my homeboys today, right? And we was talking about women that's overly friendly, you know what I'm saying? For some odd reason, I don't know why men categorize women that's overly friendly or friendly. They tend to feel like they a lot more easier. They easy, they looking for attention, you know what I'm saying? And, and that's one of the things, going back to putting stuff on social media all the time, even though they monetize it. But also, you know, the psychological part of it is the attention that they need from it, you know what I'm saying? [00:13:21] Speaker D: I get that. That's. That's true. [00:13:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I can agree with that. I mean, there is a such thing for men and women to be too friendly. Everybody should not have access to you. Everybody that knocks on your door shouldn't be able to enter. I mean, that's just the way it is. Especially if you're a single person and you want to be in a different realm of relationship, you shouldn't be so accessible. And I. Social media has messed it up for a lot of people. Like you say, being monetized on Instagram, Tik Tok or whatever. A lot of people get on there and they just post, post, post, whatever they can post just to make that quota so they can get their money and it gets out of hand. I mean, it's. It's just crazy. I don't. [00:13:58] Speaker B: I wish I can be free. [00:14:00] Speaker A: I don't want that type of digital footprint. [00:14:02] Speaker B: Everything I've done well, I think too much, so I can't. And you know, I got, you know, you know, married and I got Kids and stuff like that. That on social media. So I can't post whatever I want. But sometimes I be really wanting to be ignorant sometimes. But I just. I just. [00:14:18] Speaker A: You can be ignorant behind your own closed doors. You ain't gotta post it for everybody to see. [00:14:22] Speaker B: Sometimes I be one. So you ain't never had a moment where you wanna get ignorant and put some stuff on social media? [00:14:27] Speaker A: I mean, I think at some point. Social media has been out for so long now, I can't even tell you the how many years it's been out. But we've all have crossed that line of saying too much on the Internet. I have posted things that maybe it done been arguments, it done been pictures, it done been me having fun, dancing with my kids or whatever. And then five years later, I go back and see, like, oh, I did that. Maybe I should delete that. But I mean, you don't think about it in the moment, but, I mean, we've all done that. And again, going back to the topic that we have, those are some of the reasons why she's 34 years old and not married. Or. I mean, for a lot of women who've been married and divorced, the relationship didn't work because the angle was wrong. You settled for something that was not what your future was supposed to look like. [00:15:13] Speaker B: Oh, that's good. [00:15:13] Speaker A: You walked into something that you said, hey, it fits for right now. But when I'm 35 years old, I expected to have a house by now. I expect to be settled in my career. I expect to be raising my kids. But this toxic monkey right here ain't fitting the future. So now I gotta let him go. So now you're divorced and you're single, still at 35, 40, whatever it may be, because you pick wrong. [00:15:34] Speaker D: Yeah, I think for her, she's playing in a different pool, though, than normal women. Like, she's swimming in a different pool of. Of eligible people to deal with. She's choosing to deal because she has her own money, she has her own house, she's settled in her career, she has all these things. The only thing that's missing is a man. And I must. My assumption is, as she called these people, boring. She chose to deal with the people in the pool that she swims in. [00:16:05] Speaker A: I disagree. Okay, so a little bit about Ari. She is three years sober. She had a very toxic lifestyle from all the drinking and partying and stuff like that. So she didn't just choose people that was in the rim of her. [00:16:18] Speaker D: Yeah, she did career. She did. [00:16:20] Speaker A: She chose what Was available because it was in the rim. You know, I don't know everybody she's dated. I think the last guy she dated, I forgot his name, Colin or something like that or whatever, you know, that. That may have been in her realm, but I think she's speaking more about what she did when she was in the midst of drinking and partying and stuff like that. The type of people she indulged in then. [00:16:40] Speaker D: No, I. I get that. But see, this is us deflecting a little bit of the blame where it belongs. I think she made the choice, if we're talking choices, she made the choice to drink, do drugs, whatever it is that she did at that time, and be in those particular places at that time. Those are her choices. So if you choose to be in that place, and these are the. Even in that time, she says she met good people, right? She said she met sweet men. Her words, not mine. She met those people. So if she met those people while in that space, then yes, you chose to not be with this person, and you chose a toxic lifestyle. So we can't feel pity for you, we can't feel sorry for you, we can't give you no compassion when this is what you chose for yourself. Like, if you choose the wrong partner, you chose that. You knew there was something there when you got married, when you was about to get me. There have been so many things. I was. I'm divorced. Been divorced since 2011. I knew before we got married we didn't need to get married. I knew I didn't. I didn't need to propose to her when I did. And for us to end the way we ended up, yep, that's about right. And so I had to take accountability for whatever my part is in making a decision to choose a person who. We had a toxic relationship from the outgate, from the. From the start. So if that's the case, then, yeah, the thing I did notice in the video is she is taking accountability for her choices. [00:18:04] Speaker A: I was about to say that, no, [00:18:05] Speaker D: she is taking accountability for her choices in that. But I was just going to your statement of, yeah, she swam in that pool, but it was still in that pool she met good people. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Right? [00:18:15] Speaker D: So she can't say, she can't blame. We can't blame the pool if in that pool she still met good people. [00:18:20] Speaker A: But I don't think she's really blaming the pool. She's like, you say, she's taking accountability for the choices she made. She had both sides, the good and the bad, and she chose the Bad because that's the realm she wanted to activate. That's where she wanted to be. She wanted that toxic behavior because she was toxic. So those quote unquote sweet guys that she was talking about, she was saying that wasn't fitting her need for that time. So that's the reason why at 34, when she's looking at her future and saying, hey, I remember when I met him 10 years ago, and now he's married, now he has kids, and he's living a very great life that I wish I had. If I had chose him then. [00:18:54] Speaker D: That's true. [00:18:56] Speaker A: So I don't think it's a matter of she's looking for a pity party or anything. She's just having some realization that if I had chose the other way and let go of my own hurt my own toxic ways and chose somebody who I clearly saw was a better fit for me and let go of the party lifestyle that she had at that time, okay, she's now realizing, hey, I should have did this differently. She could have woke up and been sober 10 years ago. I don't know how long it was. They only speak about her three years. But she could have let that go a whole lot sooner had she had to chose somebody who was a better fit for her, who could have influenced her to have a better life. [00:19:30] Speaker B: You know what, though? It made me. You made me think about my own personal life. Like, sometimes you. You know, I've been told that I probably was toxic in so many different ways, but during them particular times in my life, I didn't really see that I was toxic, though, you know what I'm saying? And I didn't see the women that I was choosing, you know, And I'mma bring up my brother, man. Like, he, you know, it's one thing that I respect about him, man. I mean, a lot of things I respect about him. But one thing he said, oh, like, it's one particular female he, you know, back in the day, man, he, you know, wanted to talk to, right? And he, like, he liked her a whole lot, you know what I'm saying? But he just knew he wasn't right during that time. And she was so sweet, you know, Like Ahri said she was, you know, the sweet man, but she was such a sweetheart. He said he didn't want to infect her with the things that he had going on, you know what I'm saying? And I just kind of realized that Ari probably did. Probably felt that way, you know what I'm saying? Like dealing with, you know, what I'm saying some of the men that came her way, she just was like, nah, I ain't about to get them all caught up in what I got going on right now. I got too much going on. See me, the toxic side of me is I'm about to bring them back. I'm a brainer man. And whatever happened, happens. You know what I'm saying? I was very selfish, though. But, you know, just thinking about it from that perspective, I ain't never really realized that until you was talking about that, you know, and kudos to her. But now, like, at where she at with it now is she just kind of, you know, she just realized like, dang. And that's crazy how life goes, man. Sometimes you get older and you just realize like, damn, I wish I could do some stuff over again, right? It's like you had this realization in your mind, like, and it ain't necessarily a man or a woman thing, but, you know, because I know men probably go through the exact same thing. I. I'm one of them. Went through the exact same thing. [00:21:40] Speaker A: All right. When we speak about toxic people, the first thing people always think when you hear about toxic is they're abusive or. You know what I'm saying? And that's not always the case. That's not always the case. It is very much toxic when you are just unavailable in areas that you need. I mean, I don't know what your. Your end goal is as far as your. Your future before you retire, what you want it to look like, but if a person has no ambition, that is just as much toxic as it is when it comes to the physical, because you're keeping me stagnant. [00:22:11] Speaker B: What ambitious you you speaking on? [00:22:13] Speaker A: Like, I mean, okay, say for instance, like, I. I love the right. I want before I retire and say, I'm done with doing anything. I just want to vacation and spend time with my kids or whatever. I want to actually pursue my writing. And if I have somebody who is, I don't want to say putting me down, because it's not necessarily putting me down, but doesn't feed that energy for me or have you in a unsafe place. And it doesn't, like I said, doesn't always have to be a physical thing, but when your mental isn't safe, your mental is not in a good, stable environment, you can thrive the same. So toxicity doesn't just come for the physical. It comes from the fact that if I am sharing space with somebody who's very much complacent, don't want to do Anything. They're just getting up, waking up, going to their job, and they're just on repeat. You have no ambition. You. You just living. You're just existing. If I'm in a space with that, we all know how they're saying go. If you want to be a millionaire, you need to be in a room with millionaires. You need to surround yourself with what you want to be. If you're surrounded around people that have nothing and don't want nothing, you become that person that's very much toxic. So like you said, that spillover, I don't want to be in a room with a person or I don't want to engage with a person who has goals when I don't have any. And I know that I'm not willing to do that right now. So why am I going to mess with their energy? Because I know my energy is bad. That's kind of what you were saying with your brother. Like, he knew that was just too good for him. That could be the toxic that she's talking about because. Because what she wanted in that moment was fun. It wasn't about planning. It wasn't about going past tomorrow. It's about living for today. That was her toxic energy, man. [00:23:51] Speaker B: Like, you know what's so crazy, though? Like, just you open up just this thing in my mind about, like you said it earlier, it's some women who just really, like, want that toxicity, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's just crazy to me to think about that, because I ain't never thought. I mean, now, now. You see. You see it now. Cause people put it out there. But just before the Internet hit, man. Like, you think women felt that way back then too? Like, wanted somebody. I think it was a song, man. I forgot the name of the song. I want a rough neck. [00:24:29] Speaker A: I think at some point. I mean, we can do the male and female thing all day, but I think at some point, all of us have that in us, where sometimes you just want to let your hair down and have fun. Some people stay in that too long. [00:24:43] Speaker B: That's good right there. [00:24:45] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? Like, it's okay to take a break, but some people stay in that too long. And I mean, if we just take the word toxic off of it. I said that before. She wanted a right now gratification. She wanted to have fun for today. She want to have fun for the week. She want to do spontaneous things, leaving the country, going on trips or whatever. And I'm not saying necessarily. Ari want to do that. I'm just saying, a woman who's in that realm of just doing whatever. You want to live for the day. You don't want to have to worry about what child I'm going to have. And rather, this father is going to be a good fit, Rather he's going to help me raise my kids. Rather, my career is going to pan out the way I want it to. You want to live for right now, everybody I know. I have. I have. I mean, I'm not going to sit here and tell my whole life story, but I had a toxic childhood. I had a lot of hurt in my childhood. So my early 20s, huh? I could care less. My son was the reason why I said, okay, go ahead and sit your butt down. Cause you got this baby to raise. But before he got here, I wanted to go to the club every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And it was open on Thursday. I would have been there too. I wanted to drink. I wasn't drugging or anything like that. But I literally went to work. And when I got off on Thursday, I gassed in my car. And I was hitting Charlotte hard because I wanted to have fun in that moment. But when you stay in that too long, you get to be 34 years old and say, well, dang, maybe I should have chose differently in those younger years. It's okay to let your hair down. I can't stress enough. It's okay to do that. But don't stay in it too long. That's when it becomes toxic. Because you're not available for nothing else but other than your right now, you're not trying to show up for nothing else other than right now. [00:26:21] Speaker B: Boy, that right there. Well, I think we didn't. We didn't. We didn't touch that topic. [00:26:32] Speaker A: If you ready to get up off of, we can move on. [00:26:34] Speaker B: But nah, man. Cause listen, you know, at the end of the day. And this. This is really what I'm getting from this right here. At the end of the day, we all ain't no such thing. I mean, it's male and female, but really is the mentality at, you know, at the base of it with the individual, you know what I'm saying? And some people do certain things to escape, and they don't want to be in their own reality, you know what I'm saying? Of the reality of what got them to this place. Some stuff people do, man, is to escape, right? You know, and they don't want to be in that moment or just thinking about what caused them that pain. So they just want to do some other things and ain't necessarily got to be a male or female thing. It just. Because at first I started off with that, but you know what I'm saying, it just really based off of what's going on with the individual that got them to that point. And like you said, like, you can be in it. The goal. If you gonna do something like that, you just can't stay in it for too long. [00:27:35] Speaker C: Right? [00:27:35] Speaker B: But it is some other alternative, though. Before people can get to that, there [00:27:39] Speaker A: are very much other alternatives. I'm hit on this, and I'm gonna leave it alone. One thing that people do need to understand, too, when you become a hypersexual, your sex life becomes your drug. So just like a person who gets high, right, they're looking for that quick fix. They. They want to relieve whatever pain they're going through. Like you just said, sometimes whatever you're going through, you just want to escape. When you find out, I mean, when you find people who are hypersexual, they are trying to escape, it's that high. And just like somebody who's been on crack for 10, 12 years, you're gonna always chase that first high. You always gonna chase that feeling. Anytime you wanna feel numb, you chase that. That's. That's another thing that I. I'm be honest. A lot of women fall into that realm because when you were in love with someone and your sex life was good, and y' all were cuddling, you were having good fun and everything, you chase that. That's why a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because they're chasing that honeymoon stage of when we were good. And I mean, off of Ari. Just speaking on that alone, that a lot of times people end up that way because they're chasing that first high. They're chasing that old love that they have with this one person. And it's not there anymore. Now, let's say they break up. Now, the reason why you're so hypersexual is because you can't get back everything you wanted. So you're going to chase the one thing you know that's accessible, which is sex. [00:28:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:28:58] Speaker A: You get into that realm and then that's how you get all these people who got 10 people as their body count, because you ain't no hoe, but you was facing a high. [00:29:10] Speaker D: Is 10 a lot? [00:29:12] Speaker A: I was just. [00:29:12] Speaker D: I was messing with you. [00:29:13] Speaker A: I was. I was messing with you. [00:29:15] Speaker B: Cause I said 10 earlier. [00:29:17] Speaker A: Listen, that's just the number that popped in my head at the time. [00:29:19] Speaker D: 10 is a lot. B. [00:29:20] Speaker B: 10, definitely not a lot. [00:29:21] Speaker C: No. [00:29:22] Speaker D: I'm about to say. I think you said 10 was a lot. [00:29:23] Speaker B: 10, definitely. [00:29:24] Speaker A: You know what? I'm gonna say this. 10 may not be a lot today, but I'm 45 years old. I remember when I first started having sex. And y' all don't need to know the age I started. But anyway, when I started, everybody was lying. Saying you was a virgin when you know you been humping since this age. Everybody was lying. Because you ain't want nobody know. Cause everybody want. Everybody wanted. [00:29:44] Speaker D: Oh, no, no, not everybody. [00:29:45] Speaker A: But I'm saying, I mean, that may have been a neighborhood I grew up in, but you was not telling nobody. [00:29:50] Speaker D: I want to. [00:29:50] Speaker A: My dad believed I was a virgin until I was ready to push out my first son. I mean, it was something that was common. Like you really wanted to hold onto your virginity. Now you meet a virgin now I promise you, she wrapped up in Jesus so tight. [00:30:03] Speaker B: Hey, man, hey. If you meet a virgin now, ain't no way. [00:30:07] Speaker A: But I'm just saying, it's. That's how it happens. It's because a lot of times we have early hurt in our relationship where you fell in love with somebody and everything was perfect to you. It was your perfect. That was your person. And then it goes left because you were with somebody who wasn't available the way you wanted them to be. It was a honeymoon stage. [00:30:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:27] Speaker A: That's why you get caught up. And, I mean, that's my opinion. Of course, everybody ain't gonna agree, but that's my opinion how people get sucked into that. And then you wake up 15 years later and say, dang, how did I get here? You were chasing a high. [00:30:41] Speaker B: Yeah. You ever chasing a high? [00:30:45] Speaker A: Of course, I've chased plenty of highs. They weren't substance. [00:30:50] Speaker B: I said substance. But what kept you? What got you to back up? Or it just kind of ended on its own. [00:30:58] Speaker A: Okay. I mean, some transparency. I mean, I was a single mother, and my first love. I ain't gonna say my son might see this. He only know all my business, but my first love was very much toxic. And all I can remember was how happy I was when things were good. [00:31:17] Speaker B: Right. [00:31:18] Speaker A: So, of course, when you have been in a toxic relationship, a lot of times you don't realize that it's toxic. So you keep getting into the same type of relationships, and those honeymoon stages are the same. They start off good, and then the blinders come off, the mask fall off, and you realize that you're with somebody who's no good for you, but you're still chasing that high, you know what I'm saying? You still chasing that good feeling of what it could be, that potential and what it could be. So you stay in it a little longer and then eventually it falls away. Because nothing that bad is going to last forever. So, you know, it is what it is. But yeah, I have been in that where I was in love with someone and I felt like it was the realest thing ever. I lost my mom at 17. And of course my dad loves me, my brothers love me, but ain't nothing like a mother's love to me. So when I lost my mom, I was looking for somebody to love me. So when I found what I thought was love, I held on tight. And when I realized it wasn't no good for me, I chased the potential of what it could be because I knew it could be good until it fell away. So now I'm chasing somebody else and not necessarily the person, but chasing that feeling again. So when I got with somebody else and it looked like what resembled what I thought was real love, here I am again. I got that high, but it wasn't like the first high. So I'm going to stay in it until it get to where it used to be. And it don't work because it's toxic. [00:32:37] Speaker B: But you know. But most people don't know when to cut it off though. [00:32:41] Speaker A: Well, part of the reason how you and your question. I don't think I answered the question. You can't cut off toxic behavior in other people. You have to recognize it in yourself and stop it. So in order for me to stop chasing it, I had to realize that I was the problem. I was the common denominator in all my toxic relationships. [00:32:58] Speaker B: I need for you to go a little details with that but you know, not too much details if you don't wanna. [00:33:05] Speaker A: And how you define it in yourself. [00:33:07] Speaker B: Yeah, how you recognize that because you just said something so profound though like that, you know what I'm saying? Most people that attract in toxic relationship, they don't recognize the toxicity in them first. [00:33:21] Speaker A: I'm gonna just say the easiest one. One toxic trait that is common is physical abuse, mental abuse. If you witness it as a child, it seems like it's normal. So you accept things because it seems normal. That if my mom, and I'm not saying my mom did, but if your mom got beat and you watch that if a child was molested at a young age, you'll hear a lot of stories about people being molested and the first thing they say is, I didn't know it was wrong. So a lot of times when you're in toxic relationships, you don't realize it's wrong. You think that when they're jealous or they're always in my face or they're doing this, that and other, that's how they love me. They love me so much. So you have to realize that ain't love. You have to learn to love yourself. You have to really learn to love yourself. I remember people always say that about women when they're going through something, they cut their hair off. [00:34:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:34:14] Speaker A: The deeper part of that is you shave off everything that hires you so you can see you. And when you begin to see you and fall in love with what you see from the inside out, you learn to cut things off and say, I ain't got no tolerance for this. [00:34:28] Speaker B: Right. [00:34:28] Speaker A: I ain't got no tolerance for this. I'm not going to waste my time on that because I love me too much. And I realized, I'm gonna tell you, I saw this on Facebook. When you start waking up and realize that you're not one day is not. It's not another day, but it's a one day less. I think that's how it goes that every day you don't gain anything, you lose something. You lost 24 hours. You're closer to your death day now today than you were yesterday. [00:34:51] Speaker B: That's facts, man. [00:34:52] Speaker A: So when you start realizing, I ain't got time to waste on this, I gotta love myself. Because who teaches somebody how to love [00:34:59] Speaker B: you if it's not you, man, that you know, you. Ah, man, I'm gonna back up though, because it's certainly. You said something about when you was talking about the finding the toxicity and you. Man, I realized, like, you just took me back to my early part of my life, man, when I was like being in relationships, that, that, that was toxic, right? But the thing is, I used to create, man, this crazy. I used to create all the environment for it to be toxic. Like the arguments and the crazy thing is it used to be so bad, the arguments used to be so bad, man. And once it get to that point where it was so bad, that's when I wanted to have sex and it had turned me on. That is crazy. You just made me thought about that like. And I mean, of course people always say I was very toxic back then, man. I just didn't really see it like, Brian, you create so much drama, you create so much mess. Whole time you just made me really think about that thing I did, though. And. And I swear to God, man, it had. It used to turn me on so much to, To. To. To get the environment like that. [00:36:15] Speaker A: Right. [00:36:15] Speaker B: You know what I'm saying? And man, like. But I had to fix some stuff though. You know what I'm saying? I. I had to do some. Man, I had to do some real, real deep work. You know, A lot of this stuff come from what I seen growing up, you know, And. And what I thought love was. I heard somebody say this. I heard this woman say this before. I had plenty of women say this before, but this one particular woman, she said is. She said that she thought if her husband didn't put his hands on her, then, you know what I'm saying, something was wrong. She was literally. This man was beating her behind and she felt like the reason why he was doing. Because he love her that much. [00:37:00] Speaker A: But. Okay, so think about this. I remember I hated when mom used to say this after she cut our butt. I did it because I love you. That ain't feel like no love. Didn't feel like it at all. But some people, Some people believe that when you have that dynamic of beating your woman or being aggressive in that way, that it's discipline. [00:37:22] Speaker B: Right? Right. [00:37:22] Speaker A: And you discipline those you love. Some people have that sick mentality of believing that they do that because they love me. They love me that much that they don't want me to be around other people. They don't want me. They're trying to protect me. I've been in a relationship where a guy had me so convinced that I shouldn't be around my dad. He's trying to control my life. And, you know, I was believing it. Like, you know, I'm grown. Like I ain't got to check in with my daddy all the time. Fool, you crazy. You can't fool me to stay away from my daddy now. But some people do that. It separates you from those that truly love you. So you will be totally dependent on them. And you don't realize it because now you coming for them. For all your love, you're coming for them. All your support, you're coming for them for every realm of your life. You check them when they become your [00:38:08] Speaker B: best friend, they're trying to cut you off. [00:38:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And then if you don't cut everybody up, you're too shamed to go back and say, I cut you off because of this food. You stuck now. You stuck. And I've been there. I've been there. And then when the abuse started, and it was more mental abuse. He put his hands on me one time, but it was more mental abuse. I was too shame to go and tell my daddy what I was going through. Cause I cut him off for nothing. People get stuck in situations because of what's going on around them. Can you imagine a woman who's been being beat or going through some type of turmoil with a man and you leave him and a week later you go back, and then a month later you leave them, Then a week later you go back. You ain't gonna call your family and friends and tell them that you about to leave again. And your doggo ain't gonna tell them you went back because otherwise they tired of you. You ain't gonna leave. When you have people going through stuff like that, they tend to stay in it because they have nobody else. They have become totally dependent on this person for their emotional. Their emotional support, their social life, whatever it may be. This has become their only ally. You don't have nobody else in your corner. This is the only person I got, man. [00:39:22] Speaker B: Listen, you know, it made me think. Now, I never put my hands on a woman before, but mentally, like, I didn't abuse them mentally, you know what I'm saying? So many different ways. And one of the things that I do realize, just being transparent about it is it had fueled my ego, you know what I'm saying? Made me feel like I, you know, I'm the man, you know what I'm saying? Like, and most of the time. And that. And that stemmed from my. My level of insecurity that I had, the voices that, you know what I'm saying, that was going in my head that I was listening to, you know what I'm saying, And had to find ways. And you know what it made me think, People that be in toxic situation, like we were saying, like, we don't. They don't know they being toxic though, you know what I'm saying? They just really. They really looking for an outlet like Sutton that will help them feel better. [00:40:13] Speaker A: Right? [00:40:14] Speaker B: You know what I'm saying? To cure whatever. To cure whatever they have in their own mind or they level insecurity or whatever they experienced growing up. Like, it's. It's to make them feel good within man, which is. It's a whole cycle, though, you know what I'm saying? That's a whole cycle. I know it's a touchy. It's touchy, right? [00:40:32] Speaker A: But I agree to a certain extent of people don't know that they're being toxic. I'm gonna tell you one flaw with me. I'm a very aggressive female, especially in my speech. I speak with what I consider with authority, with confidence or whatever. But sometimes my tone can come off wrong. And instead of me correcting it, I excuse it. Like, okay, if you want to be weak, I'm a bulldog. So if I smell blood, I'm gonna eat you up. It is what it is. But that's not fair because you can't just treat people any kind of way and make an excuse and say, oh, well, this is just how I am. [00:41:05] Speaker B: You ain't gonna change it either, though. Like. Like, how much? How much? When you recognize that you should change. [00:41:11] Speaker A: Well, I'm just say that with. With the way I talk. My boys kid me all the time. Like, mom, you got three different voices. Like, you got a voice. When you're talking to Popeye, you got a voice and you talking to us, and then you got your other voice. You know what I'm saying? We know what we're doing. You very much can control what you're doing. It just has to be a choice. You have to condition yourself to say, okay, if I'm in church and I'm praying, I'm not going to be yelling and screaming like I'm mad. You get what I'm saying? You know how to change your tone depending on your environment. [00:41:41] Speaker B: Depending on your environment. [00:41:42] Speaker A: You. You don't. It's not fair to just be the way you are and say, well, I'm not going to change. You're going to have to deal with it and expect for people to still deal with you. Same thing. When it comes to a toxic behavior, you have to make a choice to say, well, I know this ain't right, but they gotta deal with it. Because you want to deal with me, you have to deal with this. That's not fair. But people do activate that. People do act in that realm and saying that I am who I am, and you just gonna have to put up with it. [00:42:07] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, I don't see nothing wrong with it. I mean, I am who I am. And listen, if you don't like it. My. I heard my uncle said is like, he. He. He's 61. He said he was talking about some stuff, man, and he was like, basically, you know, he was talking about him dating, and he said 61. Yeah, well. Yeah, well, he got someone now, but he was just saying when he was dating, he was like, you know, I let. When we go out to eat, I lay all on the table. This is what I Like, this is what I don't like. And okay, like, what are you gonna do? You gonna say we gonna keep this on or we ain't? Cause he said, I'm like, I'm like 61 years old. Like, what man say he ain't got [00:42:53] Speaker A: no time to waste. I get that. [00:42:55] Speaker B: Like, I'm too old to change. So, you know, and more I think about it is finding somebody that can. You know what I'm saying? Y' all can comparable in that area. I don't see nothing wrong with it. Sometimes you don't have to change. [00:43:10] Speaker A: You don't have to change everything about you because your personality is. But I feel like there is always room for compromise when you're dealing with someone else. [00:43:18] Speaker B: Right. I mean, me being married, I'm always have to. You know, I have to adapt to certain things. You know, at one point in time, my mind was fixed on certain things. But you know who winning? I think Jay Z said no one wins when the family fuel. So it's like you gonna have to make your adjustments. And that's just really what it is, man. It's one more last thing. I don't know where we at with the time you said. Cause I want one more four or three minutes. I think we got time to bring up the. The Dak Prescott situation. About that you said about. About his. You know, he called. He called off his. His. The. The engagement. Not engagement, man, the wedding. [00:44:04] Speaker A: The wedding, like April 10th or something. [00:44:06] Speaker B: Yeah, they called it off. Cause they couldn't come to agreement with the prenup and do that. Should the whole relationship end? Cause. Cause they could come to agreement because we just ain't, you know, this is a contract now. I mean, I don't think it should come to a. A halt. Like we ain't talking no more. [00:44:29] Speaker A: Like, I. I mean, no, first and foremost, to answer your question, no, a relationship should not end just based off a prenup. But if we're going to talk about them, let's be real about it. That I don't believe that's the only reason why they broke up. I believe she has spoke about infidelity that was ongoing. And even though he proposed, let's. Let's clear the air. First and foremost, they've only been dating for three years. [00:44:56] Speaker B: They got like two kids, though. [00:44:57] Speaker A: Okay. [00:44:58] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:44:59] Speaker A: When they came public, that's a lot of time. Yeah, well, when they. When they were publicized as a couple, it was in like September so of 2023. They had their first child in February of 2020. 4. You do the math. [00:45:13] Speaker B: Okay. [00:45:13] Speaker A: Okay. Then they had their second child in May of 2025. [00:45:19] Speaker B: Right. [00:45:20] Speaker A: He proposed after the first child, February, the October, he proposed, and then she had another baby in May. So in a matter of two years, what it sounds like to me is they got together, she got pregnant, they formed a relationship, he proposed, she done had one child, and when he proposed, she was already pregnant with the second child. So with all that being said, Sarah, her occupation was she's like a manager over wine and spirits or something like that. She's an entrepreneur doing that kind of stuff. But she came from a background of acting. And I think her job after that she was into hospitality or whatever. Whatever realm she was in prior to getting to him, we know he just signed his $250 million contract or whatever. Most NFL players, most celebrities do want to put a prenup in place because of what they had going on prior to the relationship. But prenups are not just about your assets. They're talking about financial obligation. They're talking about inheritance. They're talking about way more than just, don't touch my money. If we break up, I personally feel like is more to it than just a prenup that caused their breakup. [00:46:29] Speaker B: Okay. [00:46:30] Speaker D: Okay. So I'm gonna put it up here for you so that the readers know it's from the. The Toronto sun article says that TMZ reported a source familiar with the situation told the outlet that Ramos, which is his fiance's name, believes Prescott had been communicating with other women during their relationship, allegedly using different social media profiles to send inappropriate messages to several women and exes. The couple reportedly discussing the situation in January, with the tipping point occurring during a Bahamas trip. They've been a couple since 2023. Ramos says she is done with her romantic relationship with Prescott, and the pair will not focus on co parenting. [00:47:16] Speaker B: So it ain't got nothing to do with the prenup? [00:47:18] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I mean, it's a rumor that that has something to do with it, but there has never been any confirmation from either him or her that that was the problem. She actually confirmed that the reason why she was out of the relationship was because of his infidelity. [00:47:32] Speaker B: So who called it off? He did. She did. She did. [00:47:36] Speaker A: Some people say it was him because of the prenup, but she confirmed that she called it off. So, I mean, when it comes to the prenup, we can discuss the prenup. I mean, some people. Some people feel like prenups are a little too much. I personally feel like I would want to sign a prenup. [00:47:52] Speaker B: But when you. [00:47:53] Speaker A: I would. [00:47:54] Speaker B: Okay. [00:47:55] Speaker A: And it's not just so I can't touch my spouse's assets or what he had before. So there would be an understanding as to if this marriage doesn't work. For instance, in that prenup, it will be outlined that if we divorce because of infidelity. Bro, you're giving me more than half because you caused the issue. In our relationship, those things can be stipulated in the prenup. The only thing I think that can't be stipulated is child support. Another reason being she done had two kids by him in two years. And you want me to sign a prenup saying that? No, we gonna have some stipulations in here. That's saying that if you are the cause of the relationship, I not only get more than half, but when we go to this child support case, you doing it, you doing everything. We also gotta realize too, when you get married, if you go through a regular divorce, you have to maintain to a certain degree the lifestyle that you brought them into. Depending on how long the relationship lasts. Now, of course, if she only been living in a three million dollar or four million dollar mansion, of course we know they cost more than that. I'm just throwing out numbers. And she's only been there for a year. Then that wasn't your lifestyle. But if he was. If she was his wife for 10 years and she wasn't working, she didn't have three, four kids and you want to divorce me, you got to keep me in this lifestyle. [00:49:02] Speaker B: Well, yeah, that. [00:49:03] Speaker A: So those things need to be stipulated in the prenup. I wouldn't mind signing one. That way nobody came back out of their obligations. [00:49:09] Speaker D: Yeah, every. Every single article I see here, it's her saying pretty much she wanted him to be monogamous for the sake of the family and he just. [00:49:18] Speaker A: There we go. [00:49:19] Speaker D: He wouldn't. She. He just would. Just wouldn't do it. Says Ramos called off the wedding over the alleged ongoing fidelity issues. That's crazy, right? Well, I mean, at least you got. Right, at least you got standards. And it says that she responded to a podcast in a comment section that this had nothing to do with a prenup. So we need to put that rumor to rest. [00:49:47] Speaker A: And then too obviously a prenup normally is signed within six months to 30 days before the wedding. They were getting married April 10. If a prenup wasn't signed by then and he was still going forward with the wedding, he didn't have an issue. [00:50:00] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. That. That make a whole lot of sense, though. I'm gonna tell you the reason why I brought this subject up. I mean, for the prenup part, because, listen, you got females who having babies by people and coming up, you know what I'm saying? And they coming on that bag, yo, like, and it just. You know, and I'm glad you cleared that up. It wasn't about the prenup, because I was thinking that, man, like, maybe she one of those, like, one of the women who just looking for a bag or something like that to secure her. You know what I'm saying? Secure the bag for her future, you know what I'm saying? Not necessary for the kids, but for her future. And that's good that you cleared that up. But still, there's still a lot of females out here that really be. You know, I. I was at work, man. Women was talking about that, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, and they ain't even married. Talking about, you know, hey, listen, if I had kids for you, oh, you gonna take care of us. Well, and. And. And that was insane. Yeah, but you know. You know how many women feel that way. [00:51:08] Speaker A: Yeah. Still, that even if a woman was with this guy for the money, she will only be taken care of through child support. [00:51:17] Speaker B: Yeah, she'll be. Yeah, through child support. [00:51:19] Speaker A: Now, this chose to get married. Child support is not ordered through a prenup. You can't alter that through a prenup, man. [00:51:27] Speaker B: I'm. Child Support would be $20,000 a month, yo. [00:51:32] Speaker A: So again, in the prenup, I mean, think about it this way. [00:51:35] Speaker B: The prenup be higher than that if it was, but the prenup is just the kicker. [00:51:39] Speaker A: That's not spousal support, prenup. But I'm gonna say this, okay? Say, for instance, she. She did sign the prenup. Child support cases, especially when you have that much money, could take years. It may not happen as quickly as it would for you or I, like, you know, I put you on child support. Six months later, I'm getting my money. You know what I'm saying? It may take longer because they have more things to divide and more things to talk about as far as what his financial obligations should be. If she had a prenup in place and they got divorced and he has to keep her in that lifestyle. Imagine if she didn't have it and he say, I'm divorcing you, and you gone. Now you and your two kids gotta go find a place to stay. It's not just about her. If she's a mother and she's taking her kids with her and he doesn't have to provide for her anymore based off of what they signed in their agreement saying she don't get anything, imagine what position she would be in. [00:52:33] Speaker B: She gonna always have something. [00:52:34] Speaker A: So again, like I said, I wouldn't be against signing it, but I will make sure that the agreement is set up where that if you cause the divorce, this is how it would change. But again, a prenup is not just about dividing assets, it's about financial obligation. It's about, you know, making sure that what you said you were gonna do is still gonna be done. [00:52:58] Speaker B: I think that's one of the things why a lot of men, men today not getting married, they don't want to get married. And most of it because of the media and social media, man, like a lot of, I mean some of this stuff now, some people probably went through worse stuff, man, you know, but like, like with me, you know what I'm saying, I got like, you know, two kids. My daughter about to be, she 18, you know, I ain't never been on child support, nothing like that, you know, and her mom's, I mean, I'm not saying I think I would have came out cheaper if I was on child support, to be honest. But you know, she, you know what I'm saying, she wasn't. We, we co parent, you know what I'm saying? And she wasn't looking for nothing in particular from me, you know what I'm saying? But you know, nowadays, and he went to be a different boy. I'm trying to take it all, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get whatever. And even though you paying child support and you think you gonna move on without, you know, and be happy. Oh nah, I'm blowing your, I'm calling your phone at 8 o' clock at night, say hey, little Johnny needs such and such. [00:54:07] Speaker A: Well, I mean that's what you call being bitter. That's not how mothers, quote unquote, mothers are operating. Because when you are truly a mother and you care about the well being of your child, you're not gonna create that type of energy where your child is going to be uncomfortable going around their father or in some cases fathers who are single parents going around their mother because me and your daddy can't get along. Or every time I call your daddy, he thinking I want something. When you truly care about your children, you're not going to create that type of environment. [00:54:37] Speaker B: You're not, you're right. [00:54:39] Speaker A: So I mean, I, I'm not trying to bash no women because I mean we all activate different. We all do our thing the way we do our thing. I. But I feel like when you are truly done with the relationship and you have kids, you don't use your children as pawns to get back at the dad. You don't use your pawn, you don't use your kids as pawns to get your nails done. Because he gonna pay this money and I'm not using it to support my children. And why we on the subject of child support? Child support is not just about your kids shoes and food. [00:55:07] Speaker B: What is for. [00:55:07] Speaker A: Because it's for the well being of the child. [00:55:09] Speaker B: Okay. Because they be spending. That's man. [00:55:12] Speaker A: So I mean, you gotta understand though, [00:55:15] Speaker B: I wish they paid that money. I wish they just put that money up in an account and, and just have it sitting there till the kid turn 18. [00:55:24] Speaker A: Then who gonna take care of the child? So it's the mother's responsibility to take care of the child's everyday needs while your money sit in the account. Come on now. [00:55:31] Speaker B: I'm just. [00:55:32] Speaker A: Come on now. [00:55:32] Speaker B: If I was getting paid child support, if I was getting paid child support, that's what I wouldn't do. [00:55:39] Speaker A: Listen, I was a single mother of four sons, all my children. I did have a child that received child support. And what I had to go through as far as my son was on the band, I had twins, running track. I had another son that was playing, I mean, who was boxing. I mean, them boys took me through the wringer when it came to finances. If your child is in your house every day, you gotta take care of every single need of the child. I'm sorry, $150 a week ain't gonna cover everything they need. No, they may not go through that money every month. [00:56:11] Speaker B: $150 will cover. [00:56:13] Speaker A: They may not go through that money every month, but trust me, if I. People can say what they want, but people get mad about, oh, she took that money and paid her light bill. So if I'm in the dark, where your child at? Ain't he in the dark too? [00:56:29] Speaker B: I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree. [00:56:30] Speaker A: I took my child support and I had to fix a flat tire on my car. With your child support money. You was coming to take them to practice. [00:56:36] Speaker B: I mean, you was coming to take them to school. I'm saying. [00:56:39] Speaker A: So unless you're gonna be an active father and you take care of your child's everyday needs, whether you're in the house or not. [00:56:44] Speaker D: I was with you. I was with you till you took that turn. I'm just saying I was with you till you took that turn. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because there's guys who are active fathers who are. [00:56:53] Speaker A: I'm not treating the ones that are. [00:56:54] Speaker D: No, no. I'm saying the ones that just feel [00:56:56] Speaker A: like they spending money and they done. [00:56:57] Speaker D: No, no, no. That's who you're speaking to. But when you said, are you gonna come and do this? I'm. Excuse me. I'm happily on child support. I think child support is one of the best things ever. And I still do outside of that. And I haven't always done. Because I didn't quite understand everything. I didn't quite understand it all until I became a single dad. And then when I became a single dad, it made me look at everything extremely different because now I got these two boys in my house. So now I'm looking at my ex wife and my other ex. Like, oh, yeah, Now, I was always paying my child support, but it was the extra, hey, can you come get the kids? I can't do that right now. So she. They had to pay for a babysitter and they had to this and they had to that. So when they calling me and asking me for extra money, don't you got the child support? Well, now I'm on. On the other side of that spectrum. You go, yeah, Nah. You know, so during that time period when I had both my sons, I really kind of truthfully understood some of it. But I still. I don't think you can make somebody do something. [00:58:04] Speaker A: Right. [00:58:05] Speaker D: I think sometimes with the child support thing, women weaponize the child support situation. Some women. Because I know right about three women, three friends of mine, who said they don't want the child support from the dad. They don't even want it. Like, if you do, you do cool. If you don't, you don't cool. I'd rather have your time than your money. [00:58:24] Speaker A: Because that's what they remember. [00:58:25] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:58:25] Speaker A: I can tell my kids today how much they received in child support over the 18 years of their life individually. And they were like, okay. But they remember birthdays their dad missed. They remember the times that he showed up. My son, his. My oldest son, he has a different dad. When his dad passed away, he remembered when they wrote in the sand, I wrote in the snow with smoke bombs and stuff like that. They remember those little things. So that's why I say child support don't matter. It shouldn't matter long as your child is being taken care of. And I'm not saying because there's some reckless women out here who don't do anything. They kids walking around here looking busted, but they got 300 lace fronts on. I feel like that's. That's wrong. But I'm speaking from my own experience that when child support came, if there was a need in the household, these boys live here, I took care of the needs that they benefit from. [00:59:15] Speaker D: And the next thing I got. [00:59:16] Speaker A: Did they get their sneakers? Did they get fed? Well, doggone well. But when I talk about the needs of my kids, we're not talking about just the tangible needs of them. We're talking about the well being of the child. [00:59:29] Speaker D: Yeah, my daughters both, they're not gonna [00:59:31] Speaker A: feel no struggles that I go through. And I worked every day of their life. [00:59:34] Speaker D: Both my daughters got their debit cards. So the child support money goes straight to their debit cards that they cause they're issued now. They use debit cards for child support. So their mom gave them their debit cards. [00:59:46] Speaker A: Well, I mean, if you're in a financial position, you're in a financial position where your income can take care of all their needs when their child support come. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against that because I'm one of those children. My dad paid child support and I was one of those ones that was fortunate enough that when my child support came, my mama gave it straight to me. But everybody is not in that situation, college. [01:00:06] Speaker D: So I think that's why they did it. [01:00:07] Speaker A: And they're not in the home anymore, so I understand why they would get theirs. But we're talking about smaller kids that you literally have to take care of their everyday needs. Child support is meant for child support, not child sneakers and food. Don't say that. [01:00:21] Speaker D: I also think we shouldn't need child support. [01:00:23] Speaker A: I think you shouldn't. What? [01:00:24] Speaker D: We shouldn't need child support. [01:00:26] Speaker A: We shouldn't. We shouldn't. But again, if we go back to ahrii, when you get in toxic relationships, [01:00:32] Speaker D: but that's the thing. [01:00:32] Speaker A: Like you need to have these little toxic babies. [01:00:34] Speaker D: Hold on, hold on now. [01:00:36] Speaker A: You gotta get you some child support. [01:00:38] Speaker D: No, let's talk real now. You was dealing with this dude and you know, he don't see his kids, he don't spend time how he always got time for you. You ain't never seen this man with his kids. He don't pay his child support. You know, he don't pay his child support. What in the world make you Think that having a baby with this man is going to be any different than what you've seen from him? [01:01:01] Speaker A: Okay. Like I said, because I can speak from experience, so I don't want to make it seem like I got an automatic rebuttal. But when you don't see yourself being part of the problem, because, listen, hear me out. When you get with someone and you see that they're not taking care of their kids and stuff like that, all you care about is the right now gratification that you're getting. You don't see that. You don't see that because I have been that woman that had a baby by somebody who wasn't taking care of their kids. And I was like, but he done fed me all these lies about his baby. Mama won't let him see him and all this, that and the other. I'm happy with what I'm receiving from him, but so I don't see the full picture. [01:01:38] Speaker D: Well, true. [01:01:39] Speaker A: I mean, so. Because I'm happy with what I got right now. Then, boom, I got pregnant and I became the baby mama. Then you realize he was lying. He was lying. [01:01:49] Speaker D: I dated somebody once who, because my second oldest daughter, we had. I had an issue with her mom and her mom would not let me see her to the point where I went to court. Everything I could possibly do, and trust me, it. If the mother doesn't want you to see a kid, you won't see the kid. [01:02:07] Speaker A: Right. [01:02:08] Speaker D: No matter how hard you fight, it's going, you got to pay a lawyer. And you know, some of us ain't got that money. This woman would not let me accept that I couldn't see my child. She said, nope, this is what we're going to do. I'm help you do this. I'm happy to do that. And thanks to her, I have a relationship with that daughter now. Then I've had it for lap for a good couple years. But it was her pushing that issue. So she didn't accept me saying, hey, look, the mama don't want me to see her. I was paying my child support. I was doing a little extra stuff, but I didn't see her. We lived in two different states. She was like, no, now we gonna fix this, and would not accept that. And so sometimes I think it ain't your job to do it, but if you see an issue or whatever, if you're gonna stay, then, yeah, you need to find a way to navigate to help whatever that is. Because you may end up in something with this person that's long Term. [01:03:02] Speaker A: Right. [01:03:03] Speaker D: And if somebody ain't gonna fight to see their kid, no matter what they say, is that somebody you really want to be with? [01:03:09] Speaker A: Right. [01:03:10] Speaker D: Is this somebody that you really want to be with? I don't know if that's the case a lot of the times. [01:03:15] Speaker A: And when you have maturity, then, yeah, you will see that full picture and say, okay, they're not trying. I'm even offering my assistance to help them, and they're not receiving it. But it takes maturity for that. I had my sons in my early 20s. I wasn't mature enough to see that full picture. Whatever this man fed me is what I ate. So I didn't do it that way. But of course, life fast forward. And when I got married and I was that person that advocated with my husband and who drove all the way to Virginia to court cases and all kind of stuff to make sure he was able to see his son and his daughter. But it takes maturity to get to that level, to say that if I love this person, I want the full package. But you don't get there until you grow up a little bit. You gotta live a little longer and you get there. But unfortunately. And I take that back. I'm not gonna say unfortunately. Cause my boys are blessings. I didn't see that in my younger years. Again, because of my own hurt, my own pain, and my own toxic behavior, I was willing to settle for what I got, and I was cool with what I was receiving from that person. I didn't care about the outside. And a lot of people are that way. You don't see the outside picture until you become the picture. [01:04:22] Speaker B: Right? Right. Yeah. Dang. Where we at with you, sir? Over an hour, over hour. Okay. Well, hey, listen, Chanel, I appreciate you coming on the show, man. [01:04:34] Speaker A: Of course. [01:04:34] Speaker B: Hey, this ain't gonna be your last time, is it? [01:04:36] Speaker A: No, no. [01:04:37] Speaker B: You know, we. Listen, we can make this a. A thing. You know what I'm saying? You coming on. But listen, man, if y'. All. Y' all made it to the end of the show, man, I appreciate you. Thank you. Hey, listen, do me a favor. Subscribe, like, share. You know what I'm saying? Share the show, man. This right here was one for the books, right? And we out all.