Who’s Really Showing Up?

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Sa. [00:00:29] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, what it do, man? Listen, welcome to the Kimi Pod, And I'm your host, B. [00:00:34] Speaker C: And I'm Q. The Don. [00:00:35] Speaker B: Listen, we got a real fun topic that we gonna come up with, but before we get into that, man, listen, I have a guest, man, more like a brother, you know what I'm saying? Your husband, your father, you know, he active in his community. He also a personal trainer, coach, that. You know what I'm saying? Get you, right? So, hey, listen, plug in with this guy right here, man. Cause listen, he know what he. He know what he doing, man. And he just a good friend all around, man. A good brother, you know what I'm saying? Welcome to the show, Roosevelt. [00:01:07] Speaker D: I appreciate you, man. I'm excited to be here today. [00:01:09] Speaker B: Yes, sir. Hey, I did on the introduction. Yeah. [00:01:12] Speaker C: Oh, man, amazing. [00:01:14] Speaker D: I'm telling you, I was looking around about like, hey, who you talking about right now? But, yeah, man, appreciate it, man. Much love. I'm excited to be here. And I already know that whatever the topic is and what we working on, man, it's gonna be a great topic. [00:01:27] Speaker B: And. And over here, man, we got Chanel. You know what I'm saying? She was on the show last week, man. Listen, give it up to Chanel, too, as well, man. She came. She rocked the mic. What you got to say? Chanel, go ahead. [00:01:40] Speaker A: Same as last time. Hey, [00:01:44] Speaker B: Q, man, what you got, man? What's on your mind? [00:01:47] Speaker C: Just getting over Covid. That's why I was out last week. But it ain't have me down too bad. So I thank God for that. Thank God for everybody that was praying for me. That's pretty much it. [00:01:58] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right, well, hey, listen, man, we're gonna get straight to it, man. And I was thinking about this actually last week, but I thought about it today, you know what I'm saying? While I was at church, it was a young man, and I'm gonna start off with this. It was a young man that, you know, we. We have one of these things, man. Young guy. He's like 13, 14 years old, right? And, you know, we got this thing at church, man, with kids coming in with the hoodies on, and you know what I'm saying? We gotta put the hoodies off, right? But before, you know what I'm saying, I say anything, man. His moms came in and told him before she came into the church, right? She told him, take the hoodie off. You know what I'm saying? But he still didn't do it, right? And so he. He went to his seat, sat beside her and then she kind of, you know what I'm saying, put his hoodie down, took it off of him and he pulled it back up, right? And we got, you know, at my church we have epic. That's for the teenagers and stuff like that. Every second. Well, every first and I think it's second and third Sundays, man. The kids, the teenagers have their own level of trenching church that get taught the word on a level and stuff like that. But I wanted to start off with this because it seemed like, you know, of course he came from a single parent home. You can kind of tell I somewhat know this young man, but not really because he was in our mentor program with Pete Sansberry. I do a mentorship with him and basically, you know, he was in the program too as well. But man, we had some, you know what I'm saying, rough times with him, you know what I'm saying? Very stubborn, you know what I'm saying? And with some of the kids that we do have, right, you know, you can kind of tell they're set up at home, you know what I'm saying? They're set up at home. It ain't as, you know, I'll say this, it ain't as tough to get to them or talk to them, you know what I'm saying? They know how to take a level of discipline or they can listen, you know what I'm saying? And so what made me came up with this is the difference between some of the struggles. I know you work in the school system, some of the things that you seen with some of the kids and stuff like that coming up, man, in the school system and stuff like that. Like, what's some of your struggles though? Because before I get into it, the difference between a two parent household and a one parent household, like you can tell the difference in that. What's your thoughts on that? [00:04:33] Speaker C: So, [00:04:36] Speaker D: you know, it's, it's, it's funny man, because you know, I was working with like middle, middle school age kids. [00:04:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:41] Speaker D: You know, and it's kind of like a thing. The kids talk to everybody like, hey, you got a dad? I could tell. You look like you got a dad. [00:04:47] Speaker B: Right? [00:04:47] Speaker D: You know what I mean? And so I was like, it kind of bugged me out just to hear them like talking like that, you know what I mean? Like what do you mean? You have, all of you, all, all of you guys have dads, you know. But I guess what they're saying is just like they can basically look at that, that Child, man. And tell the way they carry themselves a child that a lot of times have a man present in the household, man. They walk with a certain confidence about themselves, you know what I mean? They carry themselves a certain way. I was just at a track meet yesterday, fun that we haven't we having this conversation and my wife and I, we was having a conversation about the way the kids were talking, you know, I mean you can look at the kids and not to be judgmental or anything, but we was kind of filling it out. Even my own kids can, you know, they can look and they were like, yeah, you can just kind of tell this, these kids background because man, just the vocabulary, the way these kids talk, you know what I mean? It is, it's just amazing because you would think that, you know, we kind of, we call it like a code switch, you know what I mean? We were growing up, you know, and, and we, we was dibbling and dabbling and did it. We were you know, 16, 17 year old year olds too. But when we saw the elders of the community come around, man, we knew to get ourselves together, talk about it, you know, we need to pull our pants up. We knew to kind of, you know, get our shoulders up and hold our heads up like yes sir. No, you know, yes ma'. Am. And, and just to have a certain level of respect. But now, man, these kids, they'll see someone their mother, their grandmother's age right there in their presence, man, they dropping, dropping F bombs and everything else like it's nobody's business, you know what I mean? And what I come to understand is that it's environmental, you know what I mean? I've heard a lot of people say, you know, you now you got kids raising kids. Not necessarily an aspect of like a parent's age, but it's like the mindset. So I've had kids too, you know, I'm like, hey man, you know, get yourself together. Do I might need to make a phone call home or whatever. Like you know, call, talk to the parent, you know, get on the phone with them. Hey, you know, you know John, John is making is, is, are making is. He's making these type of comments and he's using this type of language or whatever. Yeah, he do this at home too, you know, I mean, so it's like, it's the thing that this accepted. So it's like how do you, you can't change somebody else's household and their upbringing overnight. But what I stand for is a certain thing, you know what I mean? What I Allow with me. And in my household, you know what I mean? It's gonna. It's gonna run a certain way. And so, like, even if my kid have a friend over, whatever the case may be, they understand, like, with that, like the environment that they in, what's accepted and what's not accepted. So it's about just the standards that's being set up. If the household don't have standards, if the kids don't have respect. I knew that I can. That certain things wasn't going to fly in my household because of the fear that I had. Not necessarily for my mother, because my mama just, she, mama, she a female. She's sweet, she's soft, she feminine. But my daddy, he put a certain level of fear in me, man, you know what I mean? And so that was a game changer for me. And so, you know, again, working in education, man, it's so much deeper than just like being an educator. It's about just showing these kids something different and just helping them understand that, like, you gotta raise yourself to a certain standard. Even talking about, like the kids with the hoods and stuff like that or whatever, you know what I mean? Like, it's funny, my son, a little one the other day yesterday, he was like, dad, he's like, you got your hood on, you walking around, he was like, you know, he said, people gonna look at you a certain way with a hood on. I was like, what do you mean? It's windy out here, it's cold. You know, we had an athletic event. Yeah, I'm have my hood on, you know what I mean? But I saw another gentleman. That wasn't my skin color. I was like, is it okay for him to look that way? Is it okay for that person to look that way? That's good, you know what I mean? But he, him, at his age, at his young age, understands that like, you know, or he feels like we need to carry ourselves a certain way, you know what I mean? And again, this is like what I put in. But I want him to understand again too, you know, just that, you know, just because you see an African American man in a hoodie or whatever case, maybe it don't mean he's disrespectful. It doesn't mean that he's up to no good or whatever it has to be. So just having to explain that to him. But with these kids and stuff like that now, man, nowadays a lot of them, they raising themselves, they run into households. So like you said, the kid put his hood on, Mom's like, take it down. He's like, put it back on. I don't have to take my hood down because you're saying that there's no, there's a. There's not that level of respect there. And just. Just understanding that, like, mom has the last say, a dad has the last say. You know what I'm saying? So that's my take on that. [00:09:10] Speaker B: What, What y'. [00:09:10] Speaker A: All. [00:09:10] Speaker B: Y' all was gonna step in. You just want to step in on that? [00:09:13] Speaker A: Yeah, a little bit. Well, let me first start off and say that I am a mother of four sons that I raised single handed by myself. And I understand where you were coming from when you were saying that people can pick out those who have a two parent household. When I had my first son, that was the one thing I didn't want for my son. For people to look at him and say he was raised by a woman, you know, I didn't want him to like that. That's kind of what made me so aggressive as a female was because I had to fill two roles. And I didn't want my boys to ever feel like their dad wasn't there just by the structure I had in my home. So I did get out there and play football. I taught them how to ride a bike. I taught them how to put on condoms. I taught them everything that a father should have done, I had to do. But my boys also have that fear. To this day, all I gotta do is look at em and they know to fall in line. When Wilson High School called me for my boys, they shivered because y' all don't want my mama up here. She not only gonna act a fool with us, but she about to act the fool y' all too, because she don't want to come up here. So I'm saying, even at a young age, I remember telling my boys that not just on site, but you need to be seen and not heard. And the reason why was because I want who you are to meet the room before your mouth. I want the atmosphere to be set just by you walking into a room. They were taught that at 4 and 5 years old, my boys. I'm a singer, My boys are musicians. I used to line them up in the kitchen with a ruler because y' all gonna sing these songs. It was a lot of things that I did to structure them that way. I have this saying that my boys still applied to the day check, recheck and check again. I had a washer and dryer at home, but I took them to the laundromat Cause I got three boys, I have four, but three of them are older. And I made sure when they wash clothes, if you check me, check and check again, and your brothers, that's nine times. Y' all gonna check that washing machine and dryer. I bet I lose the sock when it was time to drive. Right, left, right, right, check me, check, check again, Everything they did. I got two twins who's in the army, they are learning that check, recheck, check again, applied to every aspect of their life. And I taught them that by washing clothes. So I wanted to be that mother, especially a black mother, raising black men. That I don't want you to be able to look at my boys and see that I did it alone. Of course, I had my dad and my brothers and stuff like that, but in our home, it was just me. So I didn't always have to knock them across their head or anything like that. They knew if I had to come around there, it's going to be hell. So they fell in line. I remember this one time, I believe that alone that I was working. And of course, it's sometimes my boys at home by themselves. And yes, they started staying home by themselves. Maybe a little too early, but they were mature enough, so they were staying home by themselves. And I had a rule that my oldest son and I have that old school upbringing where the oldest set the tone for the rest of them. So I taught my oldest son how to cook. I taught him how to clean. So if I came home and it wasn't done and I didn't get a call from him saying, kill and KK Ain't did what they're supposed to do, you in trouble. So when I came home, clothes were washed, house was clean, the baseboards during the summertime was washed. And they already started prepping dinner for boys. [00:12:16] Speaker C: They. [00:12:17] Speaker A: They were taught menly things, manly things. They were taught how to be domestic. Because I didn't want them to have to depend on anybody, be it a woman or anybody, to make their life go round. They were able to do those things on their own. So going back to the school system, I don't. It's bad when somebody can look at you and say, hey, I got a mom and a dad. But they have those things. But I don't want them to be raised up in a structure that says, I only had a mom. You know what I'm saying? [00:12:43] Speaker C: And for me, I was going to get on that. My mama, you know, like. Like she said we had uncles, we had. She had her dad like we had all that, but at the end of [00:12:53] Speaker D: the day, it was. [00:12:53] Speaker C: It was her in the house with me and my brother and my sister, of course. But just speaking on the guys, man, she kind of laid down the law early, bro. Like. Like, I could vividly remember one time I was showing off in class and they called my mama. And I still remember the. The whole line that they gave. He was like, hey, we got Quinn. Hey, Williams sitting across from us. His teacher said, he won't stop talking in class. And I heard when she said on the phone, she was like, let me speak to him. [00:13:18] Speaker A: That's me. [00:13:18] Speaker C: My hands were trembling. Like, when I got the phone, my hands trembled. And I said, yes, ma'. [00:13:22] Speaker B: Am. [00:13:22] Speaker C: All she said was, you know, when you get home, you know you're gonna get it right? [00:13:25] Speaker E: There you go. [00:13:26] Speaker C: I bust out crying. I'm talking about in the office doing the ugly cry, man. I handed the guy my agenda so he could sign it back for me to go to class. I said, man, you got me in trouble. Like, I couldn't even hardly talk, like. And he was like, nah, you got yourself in trouble. But it's just the level of respect that we have for her because she started early. And I understand the world is a different place now, but whatever she got her hands on, like, fair game, you not gonna talk to her any kind of way. You're not gonna just like, we bigger than her. Way bigger than her. We not gonna just step to her any kind of way. Nah, there's a level of respect in it, and I think that's what the kids are missing nowadays. They respect. So if I do it at home, who's gonna stop me from doing it any other place? And then the thing with parents, if your kid do it at home, don't be embarrassed when they do it somewhere else, because I'm sure if you. If you. If you pull that hoodie down and he put it back on, this is not the first time that he's done something like this. This. This is a. This is a continual pattern. So when the structure ain't right at the house, and. And only two things can. Can go, either chaos or order. They can't both exist in the same place. So without order, you got chaos. And that's just the outward thing that you see with the hoodie. It's chaos at home, obviously. And I'm not saying, like, it's a horrible house, but obviously you don't have the structure. Otherwise he wouldn't get in church and play with you like that. We didn't get in public and play with my mom because we knew where. And I know times is different, but we knew wherever we did it at, that's where we got it at. Cause when he said the little dude put it back on, I was thinking in my head, that couldn't have been my mama, right? [00:14:58] Speaker B: That can't be Mosi's mom. [00:14:59] Speaker C: I'm telling you, I would have been picking my head and the hoodie up off the floor. So, like, it's a little different when I see it nowadays. [00:15:04] Speaker B: It is a little different. And I wanna go back to you, Chanel. Cause even though you did what you had to do, it do sound like you was running a mini boot camp over there. I ain't gonna lie now. But you had to do what you had to do though. But I love that, man. I love. But I wanna go back to you because when you was doing that, right, I'm sure, you know, filling both roles, I'm sure it was, I don't know if it was uncomfortable at first. You know, nowadays we in this, this, this position, this place where women always talking about soft girl era, you know what I'm saying? I'm in my soft girl era, you know what I'm saying? And when you had to do what you had to do, you definitely could not be in your soft girl era because you had to be a lot more stern and you had to be a little more aggressive. Can you talk a little bit more about that? Your mindset going in on that? [00:15:59] Speaker A: I don't really understand the soft girl. [00:16:01] Speaker D: I don't. [00:16:02] Speaker A: Because I lost my mom at 17. My mom was a single mom. And then I went to go live with my dad where there was a two parent household. And I was rebellious because that's not something I was used to, right? So when I had my children, my first son I had at 22 years old, and I was ready to party and doing all this stuff and I was just living my life. And then I had my son. And the first thing popped up in my head was, how am I gonna structure him? And his dad was already out of the picture before I even had him. So I said, I gotta feel the parts of mom and dad. As a mom, I'm supposed to be nurturing, I'm supposed to be loving, I'm supposed to coddle him at times. Then the dad is supposed to be the disciplinary, the provider and all this, but I gotta do all of it. I remember my oldest son and my twins are only 13 months apart. So I really had to Strap up. Because I got all boys. So I remember at 2 and 3 years old, I started telling them things like, you know, you can go to your dad house if you want to. I'm not going to stop you from going to your dad's house. But in my house, this is how it's going to be ran. At 2 and 3 years old, I've always been that person. And I had to be hard because when I say hard, I had to make sure they had the proper discipline. And my boys can tell you I didn't always get it right. By no means did I always get it right. There were times when my mouth got a little too reckless and I feel like they could take it because they were boys, right? And that's not the case. That's definitely not the case. I try to raise them all the same. I found out at 12 years old that one son, he was like, mama, I'm not as easy as Mari and Kel, where I can just let stuff roll off my back. Or if I say, you know what, you being dumb. And then I gotta come back and say, I'm not calling you dumb. I'm saying the action that you did was dumb. I had to constantly reiterate different things where Mari, I didn't have to do that. He got it with Kel. He didn't hear nothing I said, no way. And KK was a sponge. He absorbed everything I said. His feelings were involved. I had to go back and redo a lot of things individually because of that. So I didn't have time for what they call the soft girl era. I had to be mom and dad. I worked two jobs, come home, and my feet hurting so bad. We had a rolling computer chair. Them boys rolled me from the back door to my bed and rub my feet. Now I go to sleep. You know what I'm saying? But. You know what I'm saying? But that's one thing I did instill in them, was we're team. That's something my mom always said to us before she passed. I have two other brothers, and she's like, we're like the Three Musketeers. One for all and all for one. I instill those same things in my boys, that if one fall, we all fall. If one succeed, we all succeed. You take your brother with you. Ain't gonna be nobody on this earth closer to you than your brothers. I learned that too young. I learned that at 17, that when my mom left here, although we have a father, what's gonna matter most is me and My two other siblings. So we raised each other. The structure was there and we had to pull together for each other. We were supposed to be talking about effects. How does it affect them? They faked all my children differently. My oldest son, his dad wasn't in the picture, and they have different dads. His dad wasn't in the picture, but his dad's side of the family was very much present for him. So he didn't actually feel the void of not having his dad because he saw his dad, he had him in his life. He just didn't do anything for him. Versus my twins. They didn't have anything to do with their dad. I had to be very transparent as a mom to say, this is my side of it. This is what I did wrong. This is possibly part of the reason why the relationship failed. So maybe the reason why he's not being there is because he don't want to deal with me. But by no means should that have any bearings on what he do with you. But if he don't do respect him. You got to have respect. It's going to fall where it needs to fall. He's going to reap the repercussions of not being in your life. And for my twins, he is now my son is married. One of my sons is married and has a child. Dad's never saw his child. Don't know he is it. Wow. The other one, he's. He's in the army as well. He's the one who's probably was mostly affected because he gave me the most behaviors, he had the most issues academically, he as smart as he can be. But he would apply himself because he was hurt by birthdays when his dad didn't show up, they. They got child support. He didn't care. All he wanted was his dad in his life. He would call, and his twin, ironically, was like, I wanna talk that. I'm done with him at 7. When my other son, he held on till he was 16, still waiting for his daddy to show up, you know what I'm saying? So it does affect his behaviors. I went back and forth to Wilson. It happened more so in high school more times than I can count, because he was the one that was like, I'm a buck back. You ain't gonna beat me every day. Yes, I will. [00:20:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:42] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? But I had to do that to try to get him to act right. It eventually panned out. He went off to the army. He's very successful in the army. He's doing well, but it was no room for me when I'm raising my kids by myself. [00:20:55] Speaker C: Can I say something real quick? Let me say something real quick. I want to salute you because as a woman, it's always said that a woman can't raise a man. So I want to salute you for that. And like you said, when you started off, there were mistakes that I made just owning that and just like I just want to salute you for that because it is very hard and being tough on a man and is something that we need because I think nowadays part of, part of the issue is the soft parenting, right? And for a young black male, the world ain't going to be soft at all for you. Like it isn't there. You're not going to catch too many breaks in life. So just that upbringing, like I shout out to you for that. I just had to, I just had to throw that in there. [00:21:35] Speaker B: I wanted to plug in with Vel, man, because I know you a personal trainer and you have, you have two daughters, one son. And so, you know, I know how you raise your kids. I know you top notch with everything too as well. But do your kids see some of the difference with their peers or how you is with allowing your kids to hang with certain people, even like your son, you know what I'm saying? Because most of the time you can come from a good household, but then also your kids can be connected to other, to their peers. That can kind of rub off on them too as well. So how you navigate that and what you, what you do about that? [00:22:19] Speaker D: Well, you know, the thing is, is that like you can't keep them from certain things, you know what I mean? So I don't really believe in like sheltering my kids from things. I understand that really exposure is the best thing. And with me, the way I grew up, you know, I kind of had the best of both worlds, you know what I mean? My daddy was kind of a jack of all trades, you know what I mean? He was a hustler, he was a businessman, he was a deacon in the church, you know what I mean? He was the family backbone. He was a financial supporter for the family. Like he did a little bit of everything so he could do everything, man, from go sit in the boardroom to somebody, man, to go take care of a cousin's boyfriend and don't know how to keep his hands to himself, you know what I mean? My mom, just a sweetheart, a complete angel. Like, don't have a tough bone in her body, you know what I mean? Unless it Comes to her kids, you know what I'm saying? But I got to see a little bit all, you know, now as an adult, man, it's funny, I think back to, like, times when me and my dad did what I call now. I was like, that was a ride along. My daddy took me out with him to do different things and interact with different people on different levels. For me to just see, how should a man conduct himself? How should a man handle certain types of business, you know what I mean? And it really did impact me in a big, big way. And some of the stuff I didn't realize until, like, you know, here recently, man, as an adult with a family, you know what I mean? I'm like, you know what? I see what he was trying to instill in me at that time. And so, like, now, you know, I got the, like, my mom taught me how to love, but my daddy told me taught me how to, like, deal with life and how to deal with people, you know what I'm saying? How to be resilient, how to be tough, and how to just handle myself like a man should, you know what I mean, about giving firm handshakes and looking people in the eye. So when it comes to my kids, man, it's not one of those things where I, like, just try to shelter them. I want them to see a little bit of everything and understand that we. That the world is a melting pot. There's all types of people but you, how you show up and how you deal with people is what's going to make the difference, you know what I mean? I got my family members of all backgrounds, man. You know, I mean, we, you know, I got family that, you know, and friends and associates and this and the third of every background you could think of, you know what I mean? Some of them, you know, everybody got their own route, let's just put it that way. You know what I'm saying? And so I like for them to just understand that you really have the control, so to speak, and, like, what that looks like when it comes to you and your environment. Back to, like, what I was saying with, like, the kids and the. In the, you know, the conversation that they have and the level of respect, the way they. They talk and stuff like that. But, you know, there has been, like. I saw too yesterday, my daughter, she was doing something, and there was another kid playing with. And she was like, the girl was using language that we won't use in my household. But I could tell that she saw my daughter, and my daughter gave her a Look, because her little brother was there, right there. And the girl was like, you know, you can tell she kind of checked herself without it necessarily being spoken, you know what I'm saying? But just teaching them, first of all, we don't judge anybody, you know what I mean? And my kids ain't not perfect either, you know what I mean? In all transparency. My son, he got a referral the other week for doing something like, man, what you got going on? But their kids, they're learning. I let them make their mistakes, and we just figure it out as we go. But I mean, you know, just, just. I just teaching, man, just, you know, the world is the world. We, we. We're in it, but you don't necessarily have to be a part of it. And the main thing, too, is know who you are, know your own identity, and don't be a follower, be a leader. We do affirmations every morning on that. I'm the head and not the tail above or not, not beneath. I'm a leader and a follower, but I'm a king for my son and nothing less. You know what I mean? But I'm like, we're not just saying that just for, you know, for the sound of it. I want you to understand that you saying that you're a king, act like a king, walk like a king and talk like a king. Conduct yourself as a king and make other people respect you as a king. [00:26:24] Speaker B: Boy, listen here, boy. That right there, you know what I mean? [00:26:27] Speaker C: Yes, sir. [00:26:28] Speaker B: Hey, I love that, man. I love that. But one of the things I was thinking about, because dealing with people at work, just dealing with people in general, you know what I'm saying? And when I say people, men, you know, some men are a little bit more emotional. And when I say emotional, you know what I'm saying? They wear the emotion on their sleeve. So the way they handle certain things, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes it can be like. I mean, especially with me being around my dad and being around men, you know, most of the time, as a man, you don't see. I ain't never seen men as emotional as it is now, you know what I'm saying, who wear their emotion on their sleeve, you know what I'm saying? [00:27:09] Speaker A: You what I'm saying, know? [00:27:09] Speaker B: And I'm one of the person like, hey, if I feel like I got an issue with you, I'm gonna come to you. You know what I'm saying about it? But reason why I'm going this route right here is what I realized is and this just my personal opinion about, like, you can kind of tell when a young man has been groomed so to speak up on, you know what I'm saying? A household maybe full of women, you know what I'm saying? [00:27:35] Speaker C: I disagree. [00:27:36] Speaker B: Well, go ahead. [00:27:37] Speaker C: I disagree. [00:27:38] Speaker B: Step in, step in, step in. [00:27:40] Speaker E: I'm gonna tell you why I disagree. My dad was on heroin. For the majority of my life, I ain't seen him. Most every time I seen him, he's [00:27:49] Speaker C: either super high, [00:27:52] Speaker D: period. [00:27:52] Speaker E: Like, one time he walked past me, he ain't even know who I was, you know what I'm saying? My dad, he came back from Vietnam, really screwed up. So, I mean, it's fine. I don't blame him for it. The person that raised me was my grandmother. My mom was there, but she was dealing with her own stuff because she didn't quite know how to maneuver. Cause when my dad went off in left field, she was stuck with these two boys. Plus, he had a daughter. I had a sister. I have a sister who he cheated on my mom with. And my mom took my sister in. Salute to mama boy, you know what I'm saying? So she had all this stuff going on. So she don't know how to deal with us. So when they split, she sent my sister to live with my grandmother. And the majority of time me and my brother spent with my grandmother. My grandmother, no emotion. My grandmother said, don't ever let the world see your emotion. So now I sometimes have problems in relationships because I don't deal in emotion. I deal in logic. Does it make sense? What are we crying about? What are we. How are we gonna fix the problem? She was extremely logical. My grandmother popped my sister. My grandmother died when she was 92. She was about 90. And my sister cursed. My grandmother popped her in the mouth. It was just the person she was, you know what I'm saying? So the discipline was always there. Me, I accepted the fact that my father was on heroin. And he couldn't do nothing for me as a dad. He couldn't teach me nothing. So I took on a lot of her traits. My sister and my brother consistently blamed my dad for not being around. And they came out different. But neither one of us deal in emotion. So to say that somebody is emotional and that being a site of or an indicator of them being raised around a lot of women, I can't agree with that per se. Because even now, women are having to take on men roles, which means they have to take on men characteristics. And the majority of a man's Characteristics is to be logical, is to not show emotion. Because they're trying to teach their young men, most of them, I'm not gonna say all, are teaching their young men how to be men out in public the best way they know how, which might not be the best, but they're trying to find the balance in that because they're trying to create strong young men. And I know that from a lot of the, you know, I coach, and so. And a lot of the kids have strong moms, and those kids are not emotional. One of the kids I coach now, you know, he's probably gonna be an NBA player in a couple years. His mom is one of the strongest women I ever met. And she do not let that boy cry. She do not let that suck it up, get it done. [00:30:29] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:30:29] Speaker E: Get the job done. That's all she tell him. [00:30:31] Speaker B: Yeah, most mothers do that. Cause my moms did that too, as well. But the reason why I'm saying. And I get it from that standpoint, because when my dad went in the military, I was, you know, I raised up around my. I had my great aunts, my mama, my uncles. We all staying in the same roof. And basically, my mom was like that, man. She was really, really real tough. But also she was a tomboy too, as well, growing up. And so she was real tough, man. She wouldn't let us cry or nothing like that. I remember one time my cousin had hit me, and I came crying to her, and she said, if you don't go back and handle that, I'll tell you behind up. So I had to go back and fight my cousin. But, you know, is that normal, though, for women to operate within that space, you know what I'm saying? Or it's just because they had to do what they had to do and they mind. They thinking this is what a man would have done if they was in this position. Cause sometimes I feel like women assume roles and they overly aggressive. [00:31:34] Speaker E: Overly do it. [00:31:35] Speaker B: Yeah, overly do it. Because they don't know, you know what I'm saying, what it is to be a man. [00:31:39] Speaker E: Well, I think. I think, too, we're missing a key component here. [00:31:43] Speaker B: Okay. [00:31:45] Speaker E: What are kids into now more than anything else? [00:31:48] Speaker C: Technology. [00:31:49] Speaker E: Their phones. [00:31:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Phones. Yeah. [00:31:51] Speaker E: And right now on social media, being emotional, being in touch with your emotions and all of that is what's running through the social media stuff. [00:32:01] Speaker B: I ain't thought about that. [00:32:02] Speaker E: And most of these kids don't have filters on their phones that have been set by their parents. Oh, my kids got phones. All of them filtered. Even my 21 year old, who's a senior in college. I pay your phone bill. I'm gonna control what you see. [00:32:17] Speaker B: Right. [00:32:18] Speaker E: You don't. You don't want me to see it. Pay your own phone bill. [00:32:22] Speaker A: I want to say something on that. Okay, so first social media thing. My boys didn't get their first phone until they were in the ninth grade. Ninth grade. And even then, it was so behind on how to work the phone, they really couldn't do much. I bought one of them little Dollar General phones that couldn't do much anyway, but you got a little. And then you had to earn a upgrade. So I did it that way. But it was something else he was saying about being tough again. Four boys. My son was on the band. I had twins that was on the track. I had one that was in boxing. I mean, they ran me through the ringer with the things that they did. But this one specific situation that will always be supreme to me. My son ran track. And they took a picture of him kneeling down. And he wasn't. If you know about track, you had to get up in your little start blocks or whatever. [00:33:05] Speaker C: The block. [00:33:05] Speaker A: He wasn't in his blocks. And I asked him, I said, why you went in your blocks? He. He said, because I pray before I race. You can pray before the race. He said, no. He said, if you don't pray in the midst of it, how do you expect to win anything? So every time he had to set up, he prayed. Well, the day that he told me that he was running 4x4, not by 4 by 4, 400 hurdles, and the boy beside him was running and the hurdle kicked up and tripped up, my son fell on his face, and if you ain't never fell on a track, that thing hurt. It had him knocked out like he was so out of it. And I got down and I'm running beside him. I was like, kel, finish the race, finish the race, finish the race. And I'm running with him. Cause he's almost at the end. And he wasn't jumping the hurdles. He was going through the hurdles because he was knocked out. I mean, he was like out of it. But he told me, he said, ma, all I could hear was you saying, finish the race, finish the race, finish the race. Inside of me, I was dying because my baby hit his face on that, I'm sure. And they had already gotten a little truck came to pick him up, and I jumped on the back of the truck with him. And I was over there helping them nurse my baby, make sure, he was all right. He could have had a contusion or anything. But I wanted him to understand the importance of finish what you start, no matter what. Finish what you start. Sometimes we are too tough. Sometimes we are too tough. Sometimes we do feel like we have to fill both roles because if it was his dad out there, he would have did it the same way. But it looks funny when it's coming from your mama. Right? A lot of people look at it crazy because it's coming from your mom. But imagine this. There are two parent households that have two people there, but only one person that's actually raising the kids. Because you have a lot of fathers. Like he was saying, his father's off in the military, you're gone, and you're just providing. Yeah, but what are you providing for your children as far as they're emotional, as far as how they're supposed to cope with the world and all of that? Like I said, I had brothers, I had my dad. It was a lot of men around that I could put them in position for. But what would be the difference if their dad was there, still didn't do anything? I still would have been looking for my daddy and my brother. Everything about my boys learning how to fight, I have four of them. I made them square up with each other. Y' all gonna learn how to punch. I'm a lefty. One of my sons is a lefty. [00:35:10] Speaker C: Yep. [00:35:11] Speaker A: Other one's right handed. Y' all gotta learn how to jab. Y' all gotta learn how to do this. And not only do you gotta learn how to hit, but you gotta learn how to take a hit. I remember. And I got a video. I wish I could put that clip up. [00:35:21] Speaker D: Kill me. [00:35:22] Speaker A: Where my son left handed. He was swinging with all his mic. I said, kel, focus and connect. And he knocked Mari so dog on hard and stunned him. And Marty started swinging wild. Why you mad? [00:35:32] Speaker D: Right, right, right. [00:35:33] Speaker A: Because once you put your emotions, you're gonna get your brumby boy. Like, as a mom, I had to show him that I had the other son who always wanted to beat on the baby because he was scared of his other brother. No, you lose a fight, you gotta get beat too. Come on. You lost that fight with Jojo. So therefore, you gotta challenge the next one. We went through that process that Dash should have did it though. [00:35:52] Speaker C: Right? And also. I'm sorry. [00:35:54] Speaker A: Go ahead. [00:35:55] Speaker C: I'm sorry also, too. When we. When we speak on emotions, a lot of times, even men, we're not emotionally intelligent. And there are other Emotions, besides standing up and being angry, that, that needs to be taught as well. You know, I think a lot of guys, what we get caught up on is I taught my son not to cry. That works. Part of the, part of your life, it works. But then when you, when you get interested in women and you can't get in touch with your feminine side and your, and your side that you need to be in touch with because everything about you is nonchalant. And I'm just so soldiered out. Like, I think a lot of times we get caught up in, it's supposed to be done this way. There's a range of emotions that needs to be taught. There's a range of emotions that need to be showed. And I think as guys, as males, the one emotion that we, that we always put out and want to like, highlight above all is be strong. Sometimes you're not strong. Sometimes stuff gonna come in life and it's gonna knock you down. But it's okay to feel let down. It's okay to feel other emotions besides the strength. So I, but not stay there. Don't stay there. But I think like, as males and as a culture, period, we just got to get more emotionally intelligent and understand that there's a range of emotions that come with this human experience. Even Jesus in the Bible, he felt other stuff besides, besides anger, besides compassion, besides. He had an array of emotions that he felt. So I think sometimes we just gotta broaden our horizons and understand, like, okay, there's being strong, but then there's when you get knocked down, when you feeling this way, how do you, how do you fight back? Like, so just understand that it's more than just that one emotion to show. [00:37:33] Speaker D: I was just gonna. A couple of things. First of all, again, Q said earlier, salute you for real, you know what I mean? Because the way you raise your boys and what I'm listening to, like, [00:37:46] Speaker C: you [00:37:46] Speaker D: don't hear that a lot. I mean, and so we keep saying, like single moms, single moms, moms who are raising boys on their own. This after. I don't want to look at it so much in a negative light because, you know, your circumstances don't have to be based on what happened. You know what I mean? Like when, when those kids came along or whatever the case may be, because at the end of the day, the man's supposed to be the head of these communities, regardless of whatever the situation is. Even if, you know, me and the mom is not getting along or I, I, you know, we're not seeing eye to Eye or whatever the case may be, no man should neglect their child. [00:38:19] Speaker A: Right? [00:38:19] Speaker D: I have very little respect for a man who just turn their back on their child and don't acknowledge them, you know what I mean? But for the women, you know what I mean? They're standing up and doing what they supposed to do, like, you know, like yourself again. Because the problem is today, y', all, you know what I mean? What I'm seeing a lot of is just that you got the moms, they're still trying to be in the same stage as their daughters, you understand what I'm saying? So that you're trying to tell the kids that they can't be doing certain things on social media and tick tock and X, Y and Z, but you're up there. What. What example are you giving them? You know what I mean? What example are you giving them? The mama in the streets, just like the daughter in the street. So the mama moving around, just like the daughter moving around. So if you're gonna be a mom, you know, be a mom. But, you know, and understandably, you know, like I said, there's young moms and this, that the third. But everything comes with a. You know, it's about balance, you know what I mean? And so if the mom is out doing her young lady thing or whatever the case may be. Yeah, do that. But you shouldn't be gone every single weekend. You know what I mean? Understand? Know who it is that your daughter talking to? Know it is who she's hanging with. You know what I mean? Things like that. And I heard him, you know, say earlier about his. His grandma, My grandma, she would have been 93 on April 1. She passed it to be by the year on April 7. When she passed, she was the most feared person in my family. You know what I mean, when I say the bad bone? And we had some. When I said we had men in my family, we had men in my family, you know what I mean? And so we had, like, that village, you understand? But at the end of the day, we fear Grandma the most, you know what I mean? She was five feet tall, a little tiny lady, carried a big old purse and kept a.38 on there at all times to the day she passed, you know what I mean? Like, she just wasn't nothing to play with. She put the fear of God in us. But at the same time, she told us, too, the same thing. Like, don't. Don't walk around here, you know, just. Just being. No, what they call jelly back, man. You understand what I'm saying. And so we had a certain level of respect for her. My grandfather was there, you know what I mean? But he was a meek, real mild, quiet man. He knew that Pearl was gonna. She was gonna keep us all straight. The boys and all, like 6ft, 200 something pounds. We go in there and the same thing. My uncle's man, my uncles had a. Had a. They got into it, man. They were adult men in their 30s with kids. My grandma was like, probably in her 70s or 80s, whatever the case may be. She whooped them, both of them, you know what I mean? Because they were out there fighting. And her thing is always like, hey, we don't fight each. You know, they always teach love, you know what I'm saying? So she still. She don't. She don't care. She'll tell you, I don't care how big you are, whatever the case may be, you know, there's a certain way that she. That they raised us to be. But, you know, and so. And that's just what it was. But at the end of the day, it's just again about just community. We lack a lot of community. Like nowadays, you know, you see a kid getting out of line or whatever case and me or someone seen your kid, I got getting out of line. A lot of times now, people feel they fearful because we got this term now y. And this, that and the third. They're talking about emotions. A lot of these kids now, you know, they. They pride themselves off being a crash out. I hear that a lot in the middle schools and stuff like that. Being a crash out. A crash out means you cannot manage your emotions. And so what do they do? Instead of saying, you know what, we're going to talk this thing out, or if it comes down to it, we're going to hand this thing physically. Everybody want to pick up a gun. You know what I mean? And so that's the thing. We got to change the narrative and stop thinking that, like, being tough means I got to be a crash out. I got a spaz out on everybody. I got to go hurt somebody. I got to go pick up a gun to shoot up a house. That's not to be glorified. You understand what I'm saying? And again, it's about what our kids are listening to, what they're watching. And also too, like, what examples are they seeing in the community? Are there examples in the community? You know what I mean? And so that's what we have to really just look at. And really, we just. We just need that village and you know, even if you are a single mom, there should be an uncle or a brother or a. A stepdad or some man or someone. Even if it's a coach, right? You know what I mean? Who take that young man under his wing and see a problem or just see where there's a. Not necessarily saying a problem, but seeing where there's a need and stepping in the gap, filling in the gap. [00:42:19] Speaker B: You know, I want to add too, man, because, you know, because I do the mentorships every other Monday, man, I see, you know, we got about 10 different young men and stuff like that, man. And I would say, like you were just saying, just, you know, being that in our community, man, you know, one of the things though too as well, man, with some of the parents, what I, what I have seen is, is everybody household is set up a different type of way. The way they handle their kids is a little different too as well. And also to add, man, some of these kids, you know, I realize they may be on some type of medicine or something. And sometimes parents don't ever really let people know that too as well too, you know what I'm saying? So it's so much going on, man, but just being all hands on deck, you know what I'm saying? And coming from a loving place and one of the struggles that I have is on, like using the example of the young man this morning, you know what I'm saying? I could have came and let him know, hey, man, put a hoodie off. But when I seen that he wasn't listening to his moms, I could, you know what I'm saying? I was like, man, I know he ain't gonna listen to me. I come over there. Cause actually another guy went to him and said something to him, just, you know what I'm saying? Like, hey man, what's going on, man? Why you got the hoodie on? Try to pull it down. And he was like, you know, nah, like he put it back on, you know what I'm saying? So, you know, one of the things. And so that's the other part too as well, man. Cause you're not gonna save everybody, you know what I'm saying? And sometimes, you know, most men, we don't never want to leave nobody behind, you know what I'm saying? It's one of the toughest things for me anyway, leaving a kid behind. Not that you leaving them behind, but you don't wanna, you know, struggle with them. And you got other kids that really in that position of receiving, you know what I'M saying. And so that's one of the things we ain't gonna be able to save them all, man. [00:44:14] Speaker E: That's the. That's the thing we gotta realize, and I think a lot of us don't realize is that we can't save everybody. Yeah, everybody got. Some people gotta save themselves, like you said. You gotta be. They gotta be willing to receive. Yeah, they gotta be willing to receive. If they. Not if they. If a kid or even adults are not in a place of receiving help or wanting to be better and seeing the value in what you're saying to them, you have to. You. You got other people to touch along the way. You're not going to get everybody, you know what I'm saying? And I think that I. That was one of the things I struggled with early on in my teaching career and even my coaching career. It was. I was such a problem, you know, not a problem growing up, but just I had so much and nobody helped me. And I wanted to be that savior for so many people that I was looking for. And my principal at Hartsville my first year told me this. He said, I hired a basketball coach, not a social worker. And he said, you gonna save who you're gonna just save who you can. Don't lose your job trying to save people you can't. And I was like, that's tough. [00:45:27] Speaker A: I wanna share something. So before we did this podcast, like I said, my four sons, I wanted to hear from them, how they felt, like it affected them, right? So my sons, two of them are not here. And he texts me, he said this, and it kind of ties into, you know, why boys don't respond to men. But anyway, he says, hold on. I feel like having two parents would affect us, but how would I know? Because I only had one. So he said, but I did see a lot of emotional trauma in myself. Lack of control. And if I did feel like. And I did feel like it stemmed from how I. I was raised, he said, because having you around and you controlling everything and any trouble that we had, we learned how to cope with things through you. He said, so whenever a strong male came around, his presence was not welcome because I didn't know how to receive him. He said, even though you have tried to help us, he was like, not having a man around all the time made me weak in some areas and stronger in others. So even today, I have a problem dealing with certain. And I do feel like, with that being said, that I can see that some things that y' all see as men and boys who are in a single parent household don't have that structure. We don't see that as a women, as women because they are acceptable to us, because they were raised by us. But then as soon as a man who has some stature or some business about himself comes in his realm, he feels like he feels threatened. He feels like he has to lower himself because he hasn't been around, that he hasn't had it in his life. Present or it wasn't present or it wasn't in the beginning stages. I also have another son who's married now, just had his first child. And he called me one day and he said, mom. He said, the first time in my life I realized that I was lacking something. I was like, what's that? I don't know how to treat my wife. He said, I love her. I don't know how to treat her. Treat her good. He was like, no, it ain't that. He said, she's emotional sometimes and I don't know how to handle it. I push it off, I go play my game and I leave the it where it is. He said, because I never saw anybody take care of your emotional as a man. I've never seen nobody put you in your soft girl era. So when my wife comes at me with certain things, I don't know how to deal with that because he's never had an example of that. And for once I feel like, dang, I dropped the ball on that one. I thought I taught all the lessons, but I dropped the ball on that. Because there are some things that can't be taught. There's some things that I can speak on all day, but there are certain parts of the man and I know women gonna bash me for this. We can't raise them completely. Some things they're gonna have to learn through experience. And until they're acceptable of learning from another man, they're always going to be stagnant in that area. Because you got to be able, you got to be willing to receive that. And I learned from my boys and questioning them, like, were your behaviors different? Yeah, because you know, once I get a certain age, you can't beat me no more. I could, but yeah, I mean, still to this day let my son even look at me hard. Like he thinking, I'm like, you wanna buck first Because I'm gonna swing first. What is it? But I mean, that's the mom I am. They're not gonna try me even to this day. But I had to realize that about them, that when a certain male presence came Around. They shrunk. They shrunk. [00:48:31] Speaker B: That's good. You bet. [00:48:32] Speaker A: And it's still affecting them today. [00:48:33] Speaker C: Yeah, it's crazy that she say that, because at work, man, with my supervisor, with my old supervisor, man, I used to feel that sometimes, like, I don't know how he was raised, but like, anytime when I have a convers, like, I, like, I don't have a light voice, and I'm not a. I'm not a person that's going to really, like, beat around the bush if I talk to you, if I call you, I'm calling you directly for something. I'm not about to sit up here and kind of just big you up. So I'm calling you directly. So every time I would talk to him, it could be the slightest thing. And, like, I'm met with like, this, this, this. Yeah. And I'm like, and he's weight. Like, he's older than me, so. So one day I called a meeting with him. I was like. I said, man, we got. We got to get this. We. We got to figure this out. I said, because when I'm calling you, when I'm asking you something, I'm not questioning your authority. I said, but, you know, I'm also not one that's going. I'm not calling you to actually hire a day going, how to kid, ma'. Am. Boom, boom, boom. Straight to the point. I said, my voice deep, like, I ain't. I'm not. I'm not doing all that. But, like, I just. After a while, I started thinking. I'm like, okay, I don't want to use the word intimidated because that's not. As a man, I'm sure he's not scared of me, I said, but it's something about me that makes him feel like he got to get in this boisterous, like, thing. Like, bro, and me and him, like, we used to bump heads, bro, and that junk was crazy to me. Like, I just felt like his emotional side was. Like, when I say something to him, bro, he could. Our women co workers, like, and not saying, like, nothing crazy like they. They got anything going on, but, like, the women co workers could talk to him, bro, everything is fine. If we got other guys that's a little more mal mannered and a little more tender than me, if I say something to him, he want to go off like one. Like, man, when we was meeting, I really had to check the temperature in the room because I'm about ready to fight him, and I'm sure he about ready to fight me. But I'm like, yo, how do we even get to this point? So I definitely can understand like younger males. And that's the thing. And that's why, like when these guys say community and just being activist and being active in these, we got to do better at that. And like, especially if we see that they want to receive it because, you know, we watch these guys like, and, and like B said, if I had seen the guy and I was questioning myself when he, when he said it, if I had seen the guy do that in church, what will my actions have been like? And I'm. That's really a self reflecting moment. Like, would I have said something or would I have, like, what would my thing be? So whenever we get a chance to, we got to really do that because guys do need to learn how to like, like you said. Yeah. And, and we don't have to beef about something. Like the, the most gangster thing that a man can do when he feel disrespected by another man is talk to him because he don't have to lose his life and I don't have to lose my life. Hey, Vel, what you did to me. I didn't, I didn't really. I didn't appreciate that. I didn't like that. I'm not checking him because I'm not going to use those terms because when I say check automatically we like that. So. But as men, partial part of emotional intelligence is to be able to say, hey man, I didn't like when you did that. Well, what did I do that you didn't like? And we talk about it like, and I don't feel, and I feel like intake another thing, my bad. This is the last part. What they listen to, what they see, the music and everything that they consume tells them, drill, go, go ham. Be mad, be angry with the world. Shoot somebody for saying something. Shoot a dude for looking at you for stepping on your shoe. What real man, what we got to do. People that actually touch these kids, we got to say, nah, man. As a real man, what was really gangster is us having this conversation saying, I didn't like what you did to me. Like, and I feel like we got to get to that point. [00:51:55] Speaker D: Can I say something real quick? And what you were saying about, you know, the young man this morning. [00:51:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:52:01] Speaker D: Maybe just, you know, I think with me, my upbringing and two, because I have to deal with so many kids like those teens and the ones that's a little rebellious or whatever the case may be, you know, I was thinking to myself, like, you shouldn't have hesitated. That's. That's what I'm thinking. [00:52:16] Speaker C: Right. [00:52:16] Speaker D: Because he probably would have received it differently coming from you and said this. But not to say that, you know, 100% guarantee, but I think what I found a lot of times in my experience dealing with kids of all backgrounds, you know what I mean, you gotta know how to approach them. You gotta feel like the room, feel like the energy a little bit. And a lot of times, man, even, like some of they appreciate the tough love. The ones that you think will reject it and give you the most pushback, a lot of times they accepted the best, you know what I mean? They'll come around. You know what I mean? And there's. There's been, you know, the ones that I, you know, I kind of get on or whatever case and be like, hey, you know, put up. Put your pants up. You know what I mean? And listen, if they go out and they wear their pants down a little bit or whatever, kiss. I get it, you know, I mean, I'm not their age. This and third, and I wouldn't again, I wasn't. [00:53:00] Speaker C: I'm not. [00:53:01] Speaker D: I'm not there yet. You know, I'll never see myself as arriving, you know what I'm saying? But what I'm teaching, what I teach kids when they come in my class, is not necessarily so much about the mathematics or the science of this, that, and the third, it's about preparing you for the world. So one day you're going to go to a job and they're not going to want you to have your pants down like that. So how do you want them to see you? When you walk through the door, you're going to have this person, and that person is going to go for the interview. Who do you think they're going to respect? You got to walk in there a certain way, you know what I mean? Make eye contact, keep your pants up. So those little things into the hood, point a lot of these kids. And I'm gonna leave it at this. A lot of them, that's the security blanket. [00:53:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:37] Speaker D: You know, I mean, a lot of these young men, they're insecure. They come in. And again, I've had that issue when I first started, like, in my teacher career, like, hey, take your hoods off. Take your hood. Because it was a school policy. But what I realized, we got a lot of kids, man, that's dealing with anxiety, right? Someone don't want to be seen. Someone got dreads or whatever the case may be, and they put them in the eyes intentionally because. And I've heard them say, I don't want to be seen. [00:53:58] Speaker C: Why? [00:53:59] Speaker D: You know what I mean? And so that's when I tried. That's when I see an opportunity to say, you know what, what can I do to kind of insert myself a little bit and feel like this kid and see what can I do to kind of help them find their, their place? What can I do to bring them out of that darkness? Because then next thing you know, you got depression. We've had kids commit suicide in middle school, sixth grade kid kill themselves. Could I have stepped in and said something to this kid? Could I have done something a little bit different? But not everything can't be like, hey, take your hood off, you know what I mean? Do this right. You, you can't change the situation or whatever overnight, you know. I mean if we don't know what these kids are dealing with. Someone dealing with drama, someone dealing with. Not drama. I'm sorry, trauma drama too, you know, I mean some of them are dealing with drama and they just like, you know, I don't, I don't want to be seen because of this situation. And they a lot. And some of them again, just don't know how to navigate out here in the world, you know what I mean? So they trying to shrink themselves. And a lot of times those hoods sometimes are like, you know what, it ain't that deep. They don't want to be seen, man, you know what I mean? [00:55:02] Speaker A: So if you don't mind, I want to add to that. [00:55:05] Speaker B: Where we at with the time you sir, Three minutes. [00:55:08] Speaker A: All right, I want to add to that real quick then. I think whenever you approach a child sometimes it depends on the environment, you being a teacher and the teacher setting the parents aren't around. I have also seen where say for instance, I'm just use Brandon, for example, if I was that parent that holds on to my child and don't hold them accountable for their wrongdoings. You approach my child, you got to deal with me. And you have some mothers who be ready to press charges or throw hands or whatever. Cuz you said something to the child they can't handle, you know what I'm saying? So sometimes it is okay to step in and sometimes you got to check the temperature of how the parent is. Cuz even if the child is willing to receive, they buck back because they know their mama. Nine times out of ten is the mama who going to have all this commentary and all this h blah because you said something to their child that they can't handle. [00:55:50] Speaker D: That's right. [00:55:51] Speaker A: It's not always going to work that way. I wish it was that easy, right? I'm, I'm blessed to say I wasn't that mom because my son was acting reckless and some man saw him acting like that was. I'm coming up here to check you. I'm going to turn my head and look the other way, cuz you need that. But every mom is not that way. Every parent is not that way. They allow their children to do what they do. Kids killing kids. Because you're not emotionally preparing your children on how to, how to heal from whatever they may saw or how to handle whatever situations put before them. And they're also the same people that get in the mud and fight with their kids and knowing their child was wrong. You got to check how you approach certain kids. [00:56:22] Speaker B: That's, that's good, right? Yeah, I guess. We, we, we, we at. Towards the end, man, I hate that this conversation had to end so soon because I feel like we was about to hit another gear. But I would say this, man, in conclusion, this conversation today, man, it don't, it don't. Does it matter? Would it be good to have two parents in the household? Absolutely. Kid get to see both sides, you know what I'm saying? But if you in a position and you gotta do what you gotta do, do what you gotta do, man. And for the men's, you know what I'm saying, we just gonna have to step up and do what we gotta do too as well. We one of the cornerstones in our community and we just need to stand up and do that. If you see a kid in your community ain't doing the right thing and you know them, you know what I'm saying? Hey, just have a conversation with him, you know what I'm saying? Another thing too, man. Some men come at this tough exterior type behavior towards the kids and they make them bring, you know, keep their wall all the way up, man. [00:57:21] Speaker A: Right. [00:57:21] Speaker B: So you gonna have to be a certain type of way as well too, as well. But in conclusion, man, I think this was a good conversation and I don't know, we might have to do it do part two. [00:57:33] Speaker C: Absolutely. Let me add one more little part to that, man. The Bible says the soft answer turneth away wrath. So sometimes like you said, like y' all said, man, just if you going to step in and be an activist or be a community person, learn how to read the room, man. Because every situation you can't approach the same way. And sometimes when you come to preach it to these kids. They don't want to hear that. They. They. They feel better when you relatable, when you. When you kind of, you know, when you get. Meet them where they are. We don't always got to bring them where we are first starting out, you know. Hey, and just see where it go, man. You ain't got to be too preachy, and you ain't got to. You ain't got to come with that energy, bro. That's it for me. [00:58:11] Speaker B: All right, we out. K me. That, man. [00:58:19] Speaker A: That's wild, Sarah.